Sunday, December 23, 2007

Tis the season for a bunionectomy fa la la la la, la la la la

First off, let's call it a hallux abducto valgus. "Bunions" sounds like something my grandmother would have. Hallux abducto valgus is much more elegant, don't you think? And when you say it, please wrinkle your brow, lean in just a little, and purse your lips afterwards. As in, "She had a hallux abducto valgus y'all. It's pretty bad." Then sigh, shake your head, and throw in a "Bless her heart" followed by a solitary tsk. If you must clarify, do it only in a follow up whisper: "Bunions" and repeat the sigh/shake/tsk routine.

Four pregnancies in four years has taken quite a toll on this poor body. You would think that my butt spreading, my thighs spreading, and my waist spreading would be sufficient, but lo, you would be mistaken. My feet decided to jump on the spread wagon too. The bumps on the side of my feet that previously were just ugly had turned quite painful so, Friday, I went under the knife.

I keep waiting for the baby to show up because I have been Pavlovian conditioned that hospital gown + IV + anesthesia = between six and ten pounds of fussy joy. No baby this time. And that's ok, because while having my bone shaven, rearranged and a screw inserted is rather painful, it doesn't quite compare to the after effects of evacuating a ten pound child from a fairly small portal. This is preferable.

I am spending the majority of time in bed and when necessity requires me to leave, bearing weight on my left foot is impossible so locomotion is accomplished in one of three ways, all of which invite ridicule from my husband:
a) hopping on one foot, only good for very short distances, and the jostling proves painful
b) crawling, which is only good on carpet because on the floor it kills my knees and the popping sound they make is both troubling and embarrassing. I don't know how babies can stand it
c) scooting along the floor with my legs outstretched. This is my preferred mode, which gives a new literal meaning to "hauling my butt around". It is also quite a workout, and I am glad, as all this lying around is only contributing to the aforementioned butt spreading.

It occurred to me today that if a friend of mine told me she was ordered to bed for several days with a DVR full of Oprahs and What Not to Wears, a laptop and a bottle of Vicodin, I would probably be a little jealous. So, I am making the most of this time. The things I usually feel guilty about doing - watching too much TV and bloghopping - I am being forced to do, while my mom and my husband bring me meals in bed and take care of the children.

Hmmm. Merry Christmas to me. :)


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