Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Since you asked...

Kelly asked about my pet peeves.


Ok, I am not proud, but I have a lot of them. In fact I thought to Myself that I could easily make a list of 1,000 things that bug me instead of 1,000 that I am thankful for. My Other Self said, Jeez, that's negative, that's a sure sign you need to do this 1,000 gifts thing. And then Myself said, yeah, I was thinking the exact same thing.

They usually agree.
Thank goodness.

So, here I go. Missy's List of Complaints Against the World.

1) This is peeving me as I type: Why do my children feel the need to come into another room to ask me every single question when their father is sitting RIGHT THERE AT THE TABLE WITH THEM?

2) I have grammar issues. I get a twitch when I hear the English language misspoken. It's a disability, I tell you, because most people have less than perfect grammar, especially on my favorite show, oh my goodness do they.

One that drives me nuts is "Me and him went to the store." Or sometimes they try to show a little chilvary and say "Her and I." Egads.

Now some are just obviously wrong but other times it can get tricky, such as, "Send the albino lizard eggs to me and him." Or, "Just between you and me, I have a problem with flatulence." Those just sound weird, don't they? But both are actually correct.

It all has to do with objects and subjects blah blah but this is how my mother taught me from the time I can remember: Remove the other person, and say it again. For instance:

"Give all your cash to her and I."

Give all your cash to her - check.
Give all your cash to I - nope!
Give all your cash to me - check.
Ergo: Give all your cash to her and me. Check!

Now. I've done my little bit for America.

Another way my mother scarred me was by saying this: "Funner is not a word! More fun! Funnest is not a word! Most fun!" I guess she was right. Either way, she still screams inside my head whenever I hear anyone say funner. It's not the funnest experience.

3) People who have kids and then don't respect their babies' need for sleep. When I am at the grocery store at naptime or 10pm and a toddler is just falling apart from exhaustion, and then the parent actually punishes the child when it is their own dang fault because that baby is not home in bed where he should be, oooo. I chew them out so much inside my head I am surprised they don't psychically tell me to mind my own business.

4) Putting an S on the end of a word that does not have an S on the end of it. Like, Kroger's. Or Target's. Like fingernails on a chalkboard!

5) Dressing for church like you're going to the beach, in miniskirts and tanktops and flip flops. Sorry. Call me a grandma, I think it's inappropriate. I know we should just be glad they're there, but, well, I think a lot of the clothes I see on teenage girls shouldn't be worn anywhere, least of all church.

6) Voice mail systems when I can't get a real person. And the ones that you have to speak into, requiring LOUD E NUN CI AT ING AMONG UT TER SIL ENCE, reminiscent of the phone calls between my mother and my late almost deaf grandpa Chester. The torturers who invented those obviously do not have four children who all suddenly screech for their attention every time they try to make a phone call.

7) When I go to an R rated movie and see little kids everywhere. It breaks my heart. A while ago we went to see a horror movie that was one of the most violent movies I have ever seen, and every other word was an F bomb (why were we even watching it? Long story.) I mean, bad, like shooting zombies several times and watching them twitch bad (long story.) Anyway, I had to leave because there were about six preschoolers - preschoolers - in the movie theater. It made me physically ill to think what those babies were seeing. We complained to the manager who said he hated it too but there was nothing that could be done about it. It should be illegal.

8) Commercials for male, er, problems or a certain contagious disease involving "outbreaks" that don't even bother trying to use subtlety. Especially when they come on during the day. I just can't wait to explain those to the kids. Remember when anything remotely private was advertised by actors walking along a misty beach? Everyone knew what the ad was for - well, everyone except us kids! We didn't need to get graphic! Ah, the good old days.

9) Joel Osteen

10) Comcast

Ok, I think I have gotten all the grouchy grandma out of me. For now.

Dare I ask what yall's are??

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