Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I'm still not laughing

I just have to say right off the bat that I am not at the laughing stage of this. Not yet. I may be tomorrow. When I told the story tonight at my supposed-to-be-a-bible-study-but-really-more-of-a-chatfest I almost smiled.

But not quite. I am not quite there.

Here's what happened.

This morning. 9am. I am in bed, still half asleep, half reading my bible and asking God to send his Holy Spirit to please help me to be less mean today than I felt like being yesterday. Walker is with the kids, letting me have this time. He is home because, due to Eduard -

AND REALLY, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ME STARTED ON HOW I FEEL ABOUT ALL THE HYPE SURROUNDING A WIMPY TROPICAL STORM AND HOW THE MEDIA WANTS ANOTHER KATRINA SO STINKIN BAD THAT THEY ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE EVERY DUMB RAINCLOUD IS A CAT 60 HURRICANE UNTIL THEY GET ONE -

- Walker thought he was going to stay home today, but by 9am when it was barely sprinkling he decided he could brave the seven minute commute to work and therefore, came in to get me up.

So, he comes in, turns on the hot water for his shower, lathers up his face with shaving cream while I do the brush teeth, put on deodorant, meet the day routine I do each and every morning. Then I walked out into the breakfast room.

Now, you would think that, after several years as a multipara, I would be used to the barrage that greets me every morning. But I am not. I don't think I ever shall be. The Proverbs 32 woman doesn't really want to be spoken to first thing in the am. She likes to gradually begin her day, preferably with no conversation until she has had a strong cup of coffee.

Slow waker, meet four preschoolers.

Aye yi yi. They so don't fulfill my needs in this area.

As soon as I walk in the breakfast room, I am met with the normal barrage of MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY'S UP! HI MOMMY! I LOVE YOU MOMMY! CAN WE HAVE CANDY FOR STAYING IN BED? DADDY DIDN'T FEED US BRESTFAST! I'M HUNGRY MOMMY! CAN I HAVE A VITAMIN MOMMY? DADDY GAVE ME BANANAS! SHEPPY HIT ME MOMMY! SHE HIT ME FIRST MOMMY! WHERE ARE WE GOING TODAY MOMMY?

And, just like every morning, I look at them, shiver, press my hands to my eyes, mumble "hi, hi, love you, I dunno, give me a minute, hi" and grope towards the coffee pot.

Only this morning was a little different because the amongst the barrage I heard, I WENT POOPOO IN THE POTTY MOMMY! COME LOOK!

Now, Eva Rose is still new enough at this that it still deserves a declaration, a viewing, a hug, some praise, and a piece of candy. And truly, considering the long hard road we traveled to get here, she may still be earning a piece of candy in high school.

So, I delay the coffee pot quest briefly to attend to the poop-praising quest.

And I saw that there was something amiss. For there was indeed poop, in the potty.
And, on the potty seat.
And, on the floor -?

My eyes followed the trail...straight to the crawling baby who gazed up at me so lovingly....with a mouth full of poop.

His sister's poop.

That he had reached into the toilet to retrieve.

IN MY BABY'S MOUTH. And DRIPPING DOWN HIS CHIN.

I screamed. Loudly. He screamed. Loudly. I grabbed him and - my arms outstretched - ran him back to the bathroom where my husband is trying to shave.

"TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM! HE ATE SISSY'S POOP! IT'S NOT FUNNY! HELP ME!"

He gave me that, I'm covered in shaving cream trying to shave here, what do you want me to do? look.

"THIS IS A CRISIS!!!" I shout and order him into the shower with our son, who is still screaming. Poor Ike, I poured a cup of water in his mouth, he sputtered, screamed, I poured another. And another. I am sure he thought he was the victim of what Congress has deemed not to be torture. But, what else was I supposed to do? How else does one remove poop from a one year old's mouth??

Walker, face of shaving cream, got in the shower with him, and washed him off as well as he could.

Meanwhile I ran from the bathroom and, of course, immediately googled 'MY BABY ATE POOP' and instead of sordid tales of e-coli, I found it to be a fairly common and typically harmless occurrence. (Seriously, how did people mother before google?)

I breathe. And begin to clean poop from toilet, floor, and wall. And field questions and demands from the others. And throw up just a little bit.

Oh, and did I mention Maggie was screaming bloody murder from her crib this whole time? Maggie was screaming bloody murder from her crib this whole time.

I retrieve Maggie, gave her some breakfast. Walker brought in a clean-as-could-get Ike, who was exhausted enough now to be put down for a nap.

And finally, finally, I got my cup of coffee.

post signature

45 comments:

  1. Oh my Gosh!!!! Now I question the wanting a third...seriously! I guess another thing to add to my Thankful Tuesday list! My kids have never eaten poop. I am trying to think, ah yes there was the lapse of judgement the other day when my 2 and half year old wore big boy underwear and successfully stayed dried ALL afternoon until daddy came home and then the peeing on the wood floor in the living room commenced! After standing him in the bathroom so I could throw some towels on the floor I came back in to him wiping his hand on his pee soaked legs then licking his hand saying yummy mommy!!!! Yes, so I guess I do have a gross moment as well just with two!! My hear goes out to you Missy!!

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  2. Um. Maybe this wasn't the best story for a nauseated pregnant woman to read?

    Missy, I would utterly freak out as well. And, yes, e-coli would definitely be what I was thinking as well.

    I assume you will find the story laughable someday. Someday.

    80)
    mb

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  3. You will definitely find this story laughable some day. I am having a good laugh over it right now!

    I guess with four kids, it was bound to happen sooner or later!

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  4. oy!!

    that definitely requires copious amounts of caffeine!

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  5. oh oh OH - that's bad.

    I'm so impressed you got him clean before you threw up.

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  6. It will definitely get funny. We've been down that road. Ask Beth about it some time.

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  7. it may not be funny to you, but i'm laughing so hard right now!!

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  8. Adelaide's pooped in the bath more times than I can count. Managed to put some in her mouth before I could reach her a few times, too.

    I'm still not laughing, either.

    :)

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  9. Honestly, I'm gagging. I want to laugh, but the gag reflex is too strong.

    Here's the best part. Thanks to google and this post, you will not become the expert on poop-eating babes. Months ago I posted about how my daughter licked the bottoms of her dirty shoes, and you wouldn't believe how many people come to my blog through googling "baby lick shoe." So sweetie, the "my baby ate poop" google searches are coming your way.

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  10. You may need to change the name of your blog to "The Poop Chronicles."

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  11. Oh Missy.

    I want to throw up just thinking about it.

    This will be a good test story later in life. "oh, honey, you think you really love my baby boy? well *I* cleaned out his mouth when he ate poop!" there , top that.

    it's not helping, I'm still gagging

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  12. Oh yuck yuck yuck! Ugh . . . Poor Mommy, though. All of this before caffeine! It would probably be a while before I started laughing.

    Can I say I am totally with you on the tropical storm thing?? Good gravy. We got a whole lot of rain and some wind, but Eduard or however you spell it was such a wimpy storm.

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  13. I'm not laughing. I've been there. So sorry. My doc said give the child yogurt.

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  14. Missy, I love you so much, I got one of these password-things so I could comment.

    Like a few of the others, I would have also gagged, even if I had taken my Aciphex that morning. No one should have to go thru this pre-coffee. No one.

    LG

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  15. I totally agree about mothering before Google-- how did they do it?!

    I am not laughing about the poop thing because I would have flipped out too. But picturing you frantically running around yelling did make me giggle a little. (Only because it sounded like a movie.)

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  16. OH. MY. WORD.

    I know I've only commented once before, but I after stalking your blog I think we are kindred spirits.

    And even though you are not ready to laugh yet, I will be laughing ALL DAY over this.

    Seriously. All day.

    I hope the rest of the day started looking up!

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  17. Oh gosh, I know your not laughing now, but I am (after throwing up a little in my mouth!!) I sure hope my one year old never does that :)

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  18. I would have reacted the exact same way (Google to the rescue!) -- except I would have been having violent dry heaves the whole time.

    Man. It almost makes you want to get up before them, doesn't it?

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  19. MISSY!!!! A true blogger at heart would've taken pictures! ;)
    Oh my goodness girl. I will start praying over my granddaughter right now.

    What a way to start things.

    Did Eva Rose get the candy?

    Loved what you said how she'll be earning candy in high school.
    You always make me smile.
    Love ya,
    Lelia

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  20. BLESS YOUR HEART! That's all I've got to say, BLESS YOUR HEART HONEY.

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  21. Bless your heart! You deserve a whole day "off" for that one morning! Especially after the "I'm shaving, what do you expect me to do?" look from the hubby! I've been there, girl! It's almost worse than the actual mess itself. So sorry you had such a yucky start to the day.

    I enjoy your blog but have never left a note. I couldn't help it on this one, though! Here's hoping the rest of the week is better!

    Tater Mama

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  22. Wow. What else can be said? I would have been a screaming lunatic. lol

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  23. Leilia, I left my camera at my MIL's but even so, I would not have captured this. Walker even said "this is a good blog post" and I said "NO! NO IT'S NOT!"

    That's how traumatized I was.

    Of course, I changed my mind and blogged about it by nightime ;)

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  24. I think you need a medal......

    Just thinkin!

    : )

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  25. EWWW!!! Oh I would have died too! Oh boy.

    I can just envision holdin' the baby down and brushing his mouth out with toothbrush and toothpaste and thinking...great! Now we have to throw away the toothbrush! GROSS!

    Poor IKE!

    Well, it's good ammo to file away for when he wants to start dating!

    LOL!
    Traci

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  26. You will laugh when they are teenagers and you can share this with their friends.

    I am laughing now, while gagging and praying that it doesn't happen here! With my boys though, it could happen any time. Finn, who is almost exactly Ike's age would have done this already if his brother wasn't such a good flusher/door closer. Thank God for small miracles and for other bloggers who share their stories so I can be thankful it's not me washing poop out of my baby's mouth!

    And I'm sith you on the morning thing, girl! Why do they talk so much and so loudly so early?!

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  27. OH. MY. WORD. I am freaking out vicariously through you! I love that you said "The Proverbs 32 woman"- I am going to have to use that one!
    Unbelievable! I hope the day got better!

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  28. I have to admit, I threw up a little in my mouth just READING this! Oh! Oh! OH! How does one do this before coffee in the morning? You are qualified for hero status, that is all I can say!

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  29. That is too funny! I am laughing, but I probably wouldn't if it were my baby, at least until the next day.

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  30. I know what you mean about needing a cup of coffee first thing in the morning and wanting no conversations with kids. That sounds like such a terrible morning!

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  31. I'm right there with ya' and the slow to wake up mommy with awake kids... but the poop. Oh my goodness!!! You'll smile about it, I'm sure- but not for a while!

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  32. oh yucky yucky yuck. Sorry, Mis. I know this must have been traumatic. I might put the toilet locks back on our potties!

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  33. You need to be on THIS side, reading your fabulously funny presentation of this disaster! I love the reference to water boarding!!! Too funny.

    Oops. No. It's not. Yet. I'm sorry.

    (tee hee)

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  34. You need to be on THIS side, reading your fabulously funny presentation of this disaster! I love the reference to water boarding!!! Too funny.

    Oops. No. It's not. Yet. I'm sorry.

    (tee hee)

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  35. Oh Mis...I've been thinking of you since our email yesterday:) It really is so horrible. And I think you did the best that you could with it. But, you're so funny in telling it that I can't help but giggle. But only a little in respect for your horrified state. :)

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  36. O. My. WORD. I don't know what else to say. Except that you tell it well. OMG. You deserve a night out, girl. ASAP.

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  37. Wow...you had coffee after that? I'm not so sure I could have done much after that! Yuck!

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  38. As a mother of four myself, I've had some good stories to share as well...but THAT tops it ALL.

    ALL.

    God bless you and your adorable family!

    Shari from Michigan

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  39. OH!

    DISGUST!!

    You poor thing.
    And poor Ike! How gross!

    Sounds like you & I have the same don't-talk-to-me-i'm-not-awake-before-coffee gene. And the same cacophony of noise before you can think in the am.

    Wow. I just don't even know what else to say about this.

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  40. This is the funniest thing I've read in a while and makes the day I had with my bunch feel just a little better. I hope you are able to laugh about it now! Thanks for sharing this.

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  41. I am reading some of your "best of" posts, and I read the ER-trip-after-eating-elephant-ears one, and now this. I am in stitiches. I literally had to stop reading and double over. You are hysterical, mostly because we moms can relate. Thanks for writing.

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  42. I just laughed so hard, mainly because I could picture this very thing happening in my house with four kids six and under...

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