Thursday, December 11, 2008

Anyone know where I might find some lederhosen?

Walker has been getting up with the kids some mornings. Which means feeding them breakfast, catechizing them (ideally), making their lunches (yes, yes, I know we should make them the night before) and getting Shep dressed and his teeth brushed so that he can take him to school.

The "Shep dressed and teeth brushed" thing has not been happening.

So when I get up, I have about ten minutes to get those things accomplished. Which would be fine, if only upon awakening I did not have three other children who all act as though their momma has been in a concentration camp for years and they have a lifetime of questions and demands saved up for her. Plus an occasional organic mess to clean up. If you know what I mean. And if you read this blog, you do.

Henceforth therewith, when Walker emerged from our bedroom freshly shaven and showered, Shep was wearing a shirt, one sock, and his underwear. And his teeth were still fuzzy.

And Walker got a little perturbed. And Walker's wife got a little perturbed. And that's how our morning started off. And Walker and his wife began their day feeling a little less than loving towards each other.

I know, I hate to burst your bubble, but we are not the perfect couple.

About an hour later, I checked my email and there was one from my husband. The byline read "Things I DEMAND" and, yes, I bristled just a little bit.

I just can't decide if he is being unreasonable or not. Can you help?


These are the things I demand to be done each morning between the timeframes of 7:45AM and 8:15AM:
  • All children dressed.
  • All children resplendent with teeth brushed and cowlicks flattened with a lavender-scented pomade.
  • I want all the children standing in a flush military line, ala, the Trapp Family children, from the musical THE SOUND OF MUSIC (see below for reference). This includes Ike.

  • As I enter the living room I want all children saluting. I want them, in unison, to exclaim vigorously, "Good morning, Father!" in Latin.
  • Please have doves ready for release as my majestic frame passes through the threshold. The doves should be white and spotless and only procured through Orthodox Jewish zoologists of the Sephardic line.
  • I want you to be dressed in a sensible, silk geisha gown. Hair done in a towering coiffure, with come-hither tendrils allowed to fall past your shoulders.
  • As the doves fly away, greet me with a chaste kiss. But not too much as to interfere with my expected movements in the morning, but just with a faint hint of what could follow later on that day...if you play your proverbial cards right.

These are the things I DEMAND.

There will be no allowance for slacking.


So, what do you think?


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