Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973. The date means a lot to me, because I was born in 1970 to a very scared, very desperate 17 year old girl, when abortion was still illegal.
I don't know what my birthmother might have done if she had a "choice." I suspect she would have been against aborting me. But she had parents who might have been very much for it, and who might have persuaded her to "take care of" her problem. Or her punishment, as our president would refer to me.
We'll never know what she might of done, will we? I only know what she did do. While the rest of her friends - and my birthfather - went to prom and graduation ceremonies, she carried me to term, at great, great sacrifice to herself. And then she gave me up for adoption to a infertile couple who were ready and able and aching to be punished with a baby girl. And for that, really, how do you say thank you?
Thank you, R. Love you.
So y'all, this issue is a little personal to me.
It is very personal to my friend Leila too, who has a gorgeous blog that is all about redemption called Write from the Heart. Leila was once a scared, desperate young woman who made the wrong choice and has lived the rest of her life regretting it. And she asked me if she could post about it here today. How quickly do you think I said yes?
Please welcome Leila.
“This is what I have to do.” I kept saying that phrase over and over again to myself on the hour drive to the see the doctor. The doctor who would watch me swallow the pill that would halt the Creator’s creativity happening inside my womb.
I will never forget sitting in that clinic. In my heart I knew this wayward child of God did not belong there. As I sat staring into the pages of a magazine not being able to see past the constant tears that filled my eyes, I listened to two young ladies talk about how this was not their first abortion. To them this was a quick fix for something they were not ready for and by the sound of their laughter there was no chaos happening within their hearts.
I tried to silence the pleas that I knew was the Holy Spirit begging me to leave. That day a life temporarily uninterrupted would win for when the time came for my name to be called, I got up and followed the nurse. That day I chose convenience over Christ, selfishness over trust. I put aside any belief I had against abortion and did the unthinkable. I went from “I would never” to “I can’t believe I just” in a matter of moments.
I lay on the table so I could have an ultrasound done. “Just a tiny dot” is what the technician called my baby. Then I was led into another room for a brief, emotionless explanation of what I was about to do. I passed a young woman in the hall that was assigned to hand me my pill after my paper work was finished. She applauded and looked like a little child about to open a birthday gift. “You’re my first medical abortion!” I just stared at her as the tears stung my eyes. Inside a war was waging as I was desperately screaming to myself “Just leave! It’s not too late!” and this young lady was celebrating that she could add this experience to her resume.
My last stop in that clinic would be the one with the doctor and the excited young nurse. Since I was not further than 7 weeks along I was eligible to have a “medical abortion” where swallowing the pills they gave me would cease all growth. It would abort the earthly future that God had planned for this baby…His child.
I walked out of that clinic that day and as I drove past the praying women on the sidewalk I left much behind. I was childless within an hour of arriving at that clinic. The fear of my marriage ending from what caused the pregnancy would overtake me, for this was a consequence of an affair. I will never know what God would have done in the lives of me and my loved ones if I would have walked out of that clinic still pregnant.
Eventually I told my husband what I had done and my confession was met by much love and grace. Forgiveness only the Savior could give was granted and our marriage was made stronger.
I have no idea if this is something you have done also or maybe you are in a situation that you think abortion is the only choice you have, but I want to encourage you to trust God. Don’t believe the lies the enemy is trying to fill your head with. No matter what your situation is trust Him. Married or single, just give Him a chance. When it comes down to it if I would have trusted God and turned to Him with my marriage, I would have never broken my vows. I would have never lied to my two friends that saw me through what they thought was a miscarriage.
I never thought I would have done what I did, but that is the cool part about Jesus. He really is One that can be taken at His Word. When you ask forgiveness…He gives it. When you seek Him…He will be found. When you surrender…He will take all your “ugly” and make you usable. When you give your heart to Him…He will mend and not break. When you trust in Him, you will discover why the disciples never gave up their following.
He is worth this journey and even though every motherly and God-seeking part of me wants to go back in time and choose trust over convenience, I know God will do as He says and use this for Kingdom gain.
The aftermath of an abortion offers anything but a life of convenience. What you might think is a quick fix may do just that. I will tell you this though, the day your choice hits you, every piece of you will scramble to undo what cannot be undone. It’s a pain in your heart that is unbearable and one that you cannot change. The day I chose to take my baby’s life, I missed out on giving God opportunity to show His greatness with the mess I had made of my life.
The day I repented He was given another opportunity and so now I watch as the King uses this unworthy Christian wife and mom of 3 for His glory. Now I watch His greatness unfold and even though it doesn’t change the choice I made, it gently covers my shame with His love and grace.
If by sharing my choice changes one woman’s mind from choosing abortion to choosing to trust God with her situation then to Him be all the glory. The life saved because a mother chose God over a quick fix is a life that will be used by Him.
Do I deserve the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ? No way…but He knows I’m willing to share Him with others.
This is what I have to do; it’s what I want to do.
Jeremiah 32: 17
"Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.
Thank you so much Leila, for bearing the deepest parts of your heart.
Now, invisibles, let's go.