I'm sad today.
One of my children has been kicked out of preschool. Without going into too much detail, she has a medical problem, and the school simply doesn't want to deal with it any longer. So she has been "suspended" for a month.
We won't be going back.
I've had a team of friends and family praying about this issue, and so I will believe that this is the way God chose to answer it. Even still, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm despondent, and I'm feeling very defeated.
And today I've learned a little something about motherhood.
Now one of the suitcases in the baggage of my own life has a big R for Rejection stenciled across it in very large letters. This suitcase is way too large to stow in the the overhead compartment so I carry it everywhere with me. While it's much lighter than it once was, the fat-kid-who-got-picked-last-for-kickball feeling is one that I confront on a regular basis.
And when it happens, it makes me sad.
Today I learned, however, that such personal sadness is a puddle compared the the ocean of despair that results as I witness the rejection of my beloved child.
As my babies are growing older, as they are interacting with the world more, as they are becoming more verbal, it's happening more and more. They are comparing themselves to their peers and feeling inadequate for the first time ever. They are discovering they have weaknesses. They are being hurt, and judged, and teased.
And there is not very much I can do about it, because it's just a big bad world. I watch sorrowfully as the four of them voyage farther and farther into that world that longs to chew them up and spit them back out. As it has done to me, has done to their father, has done to all of us.
Their swaddling blankets woven with yarns of innocence and mother's protection are unraveling. Today is a glimpse of the future. There's so much pain ahead of them. So much more rejection to follow.
To which their father replies, "Yes, the world will reject them over and over and over again. But their parents never, ever, ever will."
Never, Sheppy, Sissy, Magsy, Ikey. Never my loves. Never.
But I comfort myself with the belief that such truth has got to make a difference.