Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear TF,

Before we get started, I just want to ask if you are well? Perhaps you have the swine flu. If so, can I leave some chicken soup out for you tonight?

Or perhaps the recession has hit you too. If you are having trouble coming up with the money, we can help. Things are tough all over. We're struggling like everyone else, but we could cover you, just this once. You don't have to be embarrassed. Just ask.

Maybe you, like so many, have had to reduce your workforce. Are you short staffed? Was there a big layoff recently at TF Inc?

Maybe there was some other misunderstanding. Perhaps Shepherd wasn't clear enough about what he wanted from you. One might think that this would be very clear:



what with the written word and the visual aid drawing of a dollar bill, with the little pyramids and all. Perhaps not.

I am assuming that one of these scenarios has befallen you. I refuse to believe that you simply forgot to visit Shepherd's room last night and leave him some money in exchange for his tooth.

Now, as gracious as I am trying to be, I must remind you, Fairy, that this is not the first time this happened. You forgot last time too. Then, I went back upstairs while he ate breakfast and pretended that it had just gotten lost in the sheets, and came back down with his reward.

You still owe me a dollar, by the way.

But I am letting you know right now, I am getting fed up with covering your sparkly little behind.

I don't know what the problem is. I thought that with Obama in the White House, these type of things wouldn't happen anymore?

And listen, Fairy, your job here in our home has just begun. You'll be making at least 96 more visits to our home over the next few years. Two words for you, Sparkles: step up.

I have informed Shepherd that each time he loses a tooth, I am going to email you a reminder. I have asked him to remind me to email you many, many times during the day. Repeatedly I have told him to remind me that you are due to come. Over and over. And every time he does, I will be emailing you.

I hope that we can resolve this civilly, woman to woman. I would hate to have to file a complaint with your superior. But you should be aware that I have Santa's number programmed into my phone, and I'm not afraid to text him.

I look forward to conducting successful business with you in the future.


Sincerely,

Shepherd's Mom


ps - that's pizza on his teeth. As opposed to rot and decay. FYI.

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