3:30 this morning - I wake up, for no reason, convinced it is time to get up. Look at my phone, see the time, and go back to sleep.
4:45am - my burglar alarm goes off. In the middle of the night. When I am sound asleep. When my husband is out of town.
4:46am - I try to calm down three screaming children who come running down the stairs. And myself.
4:47am - I grab my cell phone and wait for the alarm company to call me to make sure I am not dead. The alarm company that takes our hard earned money every month. So that they can call me. If my alarm goes off in the middle of the night. When my husband is out of town.
4:48am - Still waiting for the alarm company to call to make sure I have not been axe murdered.
4:49am - STILL WAITING FOR THE BLANKITY BLANK ALARM COMPANY TO CALL AND MAKE SURE THAT I AND MY FOUR CHILDREN HAVE NOT BEEN AXE MURDERED. I call the constable myself, whose number is programmed into my phone. The constable that our neighborhood pays a whole lot of money to. So that he can get here, in a hurry, should my alarm go off at 4:45am when my husband is out of town, after my alarm company calls him, to check and see that I am not axe murdered.
4:50am - I try to call the alarm company. I get voice mail. I try another number that they gave me and I wrote on my keypad. It is a wrong number.
4:51am - I grab a blanket to wrap around myself as I am freezing in just a t-shirt, but since the keypad says the alarm went off in my bedroom, I am too scared to go back in there and grab my pajama pants because of the axe murderer waiting in there.
4:52am - Children are sort of calm. I tell them it must have been the wind. Even though secretly suspect it is an axe murderer.
4:52am - Children start crying again.
4:55am - I call the constable, the one that my neighborhood pays a whole lot of money to keep personally, so that they can get here in a hurry should an axe murderer ever break in my house at 4:45am when my husband is out of town, and ask politely JUST WHERE IN THE EVER LOVING WORLD IS HE.
4:58am - The constable comes. He checks things out. Finds nothing. Says maybe it was the weather? Excuse me? And if it were the weather, why couldn't it happen at 4:45pm? When my husband is in town?
5:00am - Shep takes inventory of constable's flashlights, guns, and handcuffs. Politely requests that he can keep the handcuffs, as he can't find his. Constable politely declines.
5:05am - Constable leaves. I set the alarm. Shep goes back upstairs.
5:06am - Shep says he is too scared to sleep alone. I say he can sleep with me, even though I know it will be the equivalent of having three Yorkie puppies in my bed.
6:00am - Amazingly I drift back off to sleep.
7:00am - Kids wake up. I beg them to make themselves cereal while I try and sleep.
7:45am - I stumble into the kitchen and make coffee, and cancel our scheduled activities for the day.
8:45am - I take Shep to school, thirty minutes tardy and not caring less. I walk him in wearing my robe and slippers, looking like hades and not caring less.
9:30am - 11am - I doze on the couch while my exhausted and whiny children watch cartoons. I dream I got to the mall wearing my robe and slippers and run into everyone I know.
noon: very grouchy kids go down for naps.
12:30pm: I call the alarm company, the alarm company that we pay our hard earned money every month to protect us, the alarm company who, the one time I had a possible repeated break in by an axe murderer malfunctioned, and they clarify that nope, they are not receiving any signals from our house. I ask, how long have we been paying our hard earned money every month for nothing? They say, no way to know. I ask them to come fix it. They say, sure we can be there tomorrow, and THAT WILL BE EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS FOR A SERVICE CALL.
12:31pm: I look for a new alarm company.
(Walker is home now, Mr. Axe Murderer. And our alarm is still hooked up.)