Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The coolest fanny pack evah

I stated below that my least favorite thing about myself is that I tend to go on and on and on and on and on about moi.

I was incorrect.

My least favorite thing about myself is that I am the ditziest, most scatterbrained, (to quote my dad) can't find my arse with both hands and a flashlight (but my dad doesn't say arse) person I know.

Which is why every time I leave the house, Walker says, "You'll be back" and then when I walk right back in to get whatever I forgot he says, "One." "Two." and sometimes even "Three."

Which is why even at moments when I believe my daughter is dying a slow death by elephant ear I must plead my case before the Father to please just show me where I put my keys! Please!

Which is why yesterday when I said to Shep, "You've got to learn to finish one job before you start another one!" my mom burst into laughter as I immediately confessed that I was the biggest hypocrite on God's big green hypocritical earth.

And which is why I spend much of my life trying to fake it to all four of my kids' teachers that of course I remember exactly when their programs/class parties/field trips/Easter egg hunts are. What kind of awful mother would forget that today (today? Holy crap today?) is class pictures/field day/donuts with Dad??

Usually this trait is cause for much, much, much aggravation on my part - and frequently those who share a home with me.

Sometimes it crosses the line from aggravation to panic.

Yesterday was one of those times.

In March, my dear friend Amber and her husband hosted a garage sale fundraiser for our family. One of the donations was a green fanny pack. I know you are asking, why on earth would anyone would want to part with an accessory as cool as a fanny pack? Obviously a sacrifice of the heart to bring Bethie home. We decided it would be a great place to put the money.

The garage sale was a success. Due to the generosity of so many friends who donated fanny packs and other treasures, we raised over $1000.00!!

After the garage sale, I hid the stuffed-with-over-$1000-in-cash fanny pack until I could get to the bank.

I hid it well.

Really, really well. Really well.

I hid it SO STINKING WELL that yesterday I was in a full panic mode as I realized that I COULD NOT FIND IT ANYWHERE and HAD NOT SEEN IT IN WEEKS.

Weeks during which any number of people had opportunity to come into my home and steal our adoption money. Adoption money that Gladney is sweetly requesting by May 21 at the latest.

This afternoon my friend Jen, who is also in the process of adopting from Ethiopia, and I had a long email exchange about it. Did you look in all your usual hiding places? Yes. Did you ask the kids if they put it someplace weird? My kids are useless. Could you have stuck it in your jeans pocket? Well, its too big to go in a pocket, it was in a green fanny pack. So it's in a green fanny pack somewhere. (I'm going to talk to you about fanny packs at a later date. The timing seems off right now.)

Sometimes you realize that a friend is a true friend. Like, when they don't let you call boys from Hawaii, or when they make a note to self to gently discuss with you - later - that there is really no excuse to ever wear a fanny pack, convenient though they may be. In the midst of my near-hysteria, her concern for my dignity made me laugh.

Jen promised to pray. Sweet Amanda was also enlisted in Team Green Fanny Pack. Walker prayed - well, maybe he prayed. He may have been too busy to pray as he explained to me the minute mathematical probability of a person being presented with the opportunity for the perfect crime versus the well-established probability of me being a complete dingbat.

I busied myself with breathing into a paper bag whilst meditating on Philippians 4:6-7.

Until just now, when my Math Nerd Knight in Green Vinyl Armor saved the day. As I sat, fresh from the shower, as he, Flip camera in hand, showered me in cold hard FOUND ca-zash.



Nerd/Knight had dug it out of one of the many bins and laundry baskets that I fill with junk to put away that I then never put away because, well, you know why.

Tonight, my friends, fanny packs are very, very cool.


And now Math Nerd's wife, Nerdy Goth Girl, shall try to find some eye makeup remover.
Which is going to be hard to do since I misplaced my glasses.


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