Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Insomnia, nosebleeds, and gas, oh my


Since my very first pregnancy, I have suffered from insomnia. That year I was pg (can I say pg? And pretend we are just emailing?) was pure hades, because my main symptoms were insomnia and nosebleeds. I remember trying to sleep one night, tossing and turning, and feeling the familiar warm nosebleed rush in the middle of the night, of course right when I had dozed off. And then I had to go teach the next morning! Those poor little second graders. Who are now kids on facebook with statuses (statusi?) like "in a relationship." Oy vey.

Okay, while we are talking about being pregnant and teaching. As many of you know all too well, when one is pregnant, and when the ole relaxin gets released throughout the ole preggo body to cause the birthin' organs to relax, all the organs relax. The esophagus relaxins, which is why I got heartburn so bad I thought I was going home to Elizabeth (if you are too young to get the Sanford and Son joke, well, you are just too young) and why I would burp the entire twenty minute drive to school. It also causes the downtown muscles to relaxinate and do the ole downtown burp.

If you were Maggie, it would make you say, "My heinie just burp-ted."

And if you have been married a mere three weeks before you got pregnant, your husband finds out way too much, way too soon.

Anyway. Back to the heinie burp-teds (now there's a sentence that has never been uttered before.) I got pregnant in December when I still had months to teach before I sleeped (ba bom cha) and I was petrified that I would do a heinie burp in front of all my little students. I held out - well, held in, actually - all the way to the very stinkin (no pun intended) last day of school, y'all.

That day they had turned the parking lot into an obstacle course and the kids had brought their bikes and roller skates and other wheeled contraptions. They were all hyped up and dying to get out there and tackle those crazy orange coned obstacles.

I said, in my best teacher voice, "Okay, listen up, here is the plan for today." All the kids got quiet and all eyes turned on me, paying very close attention.

"We're going to get our (HEINIE BURP-TED) (make that a LOUD, LONG HEINIE BURP-TED.)"

NIGHTMARE! HAPPENING! ON THE LAST! DAY! OF SCHOOL!

Yes. Yessssssssss.

So I said, "Pregnant ladies toot a lot. Ask your moms. So anyway we're going to get our...." and I am sure I looked cool as a cucumber - okay, cool as a watermelon - but I just wanted to die not only because the look of pure and abject horror on the faces of all my little boys whom I had just scarred for life to learn - the hard way, the oh so hard way - that teachers toot but also because dangit! I held out (in) till the very last day of school!!

Okay, why did I bring up my 2002 pregnancy?

Oh yeah. It gave me insomnia. The pregnancy, not the...never mind. Insomnia which never, ever went away (come to think of it, neither did the...never mind.) Which means I pop pills like a Hollywood starlet every night. Except I bet Hollywood starlets go for something stronger than a Benadryl. Anyway, the only upside to this lingering side effect of my womb service is that, knowing I will drug myself sleepy later, I have the freedom to drink a Diet Coke at 10pm. Which is what I am doing right now.

My word, I did not intend to post about heinie burp-teds.

These blog posts take on a life of their own sometimes.

And the Diet Coke just made me burp.

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