Tuesday, June 1, 2010

To know him is to need him

~The hiatus only lasted until one midnight~

My dear friend Leah came last week to perform her babysitting ministry so that Walker and I could attend a party. This is such a blessing to me. There is, however, one problem: Leah and I always stay up way too late talking after I return home.

As we caught up she told me about how recently, a girl whom Leah had mentored had confessed a secret sin to a friend, and instead of exhibiting love and grace, the friend told her she never wanted to see her again. Leah's girl was understandably devastated.

I replied, "That just plainly shows that her friend needs Jesus just as much as she does. Every moment and every action of every day displays either how much we know Jesus or how much we need Jesus."

And then Leah and I both paused and went, "Whoaaaaa."
Amazing what I can come up with at 2am.

Since I said that it has been on my mind. Frankly, it has been haunting me. I've evaluated several of my actions in light of which side I am on at that moment. I have frequently come up needy.

Here's the glory - when it comes to spiritual maturity - my sanctification - coming up needy is exactly where I need to be. When I come up needy is when I realize how helpless I am to do good on my own - and how desperately I need to cling to the Only One who is good, the Only One who can empower me to be good.

Coming up needy leads me straight to the foot of the cross.

Today at Home Depot I turned around just in time to see a mom whack her young son on the behind. His wails filled the plumbing department as his little face registered shock and betrayal. "I told you not to touch anything!" the mom cried, and then set back up the potentially dangerous thing he had just knocked over. It wasn't polite but I couldn't tear my eyes away from this horrible scene - a mother angrily striking her own precious child for acting exactly the way a child his age should act.

Her eyes met mine. I am sure she thought I was judging her as she grabbed his hand and hurried away.

I wasn't judging her. I stood there for a moment, nauseated and almost in tears, realizing that I have been her more times than I would ever want to count. I was mortified not at her sin, but at my own.

Every moment and every action of every day displays either how much we know Jesus or how much we need Jesus.

I'm glad God placed me with a front row view of that mother's failings, because I needed to see it. I need to be made constantly aware of how much I need him.

So this past week, I have been made aware. This awareness has not led me to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife. Far from it. But what I have done - after I have failed - is stop, and pray, and confess, and ask the Lord specifically for help in the area where I just blew it.

What I've done is repent. Right then. Right there.

I haven't done it every single time I've sinned. But it is constantly in the back of my mind. My goal is to bring it front and center. My goal is to remain mortified at my own sin. My goal is to slay it.

Tonight, I've been made aware that someone who has a habit of offending me has gone and done it again. Right now what I want to do is to go lie in bed with my eyes closed and replay all the ways that she is horrible and all the ways that she has ever hurt me.

Every moment and every action of every day displays either how much we know Jesus or how much we need Jesus.

I know him. I know him fiercely. His soul permeates my soul. My name is written on the palms of his hands, the hands that were mutilated for my bitter and unforgiving heart. So. How would one who knows him react?

I ask him. The Voice tells me. Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

I know him. And because he is all that I need, I will glorify him, tonight.

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