Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Walker's Surefire Interviewing Tips

When a friend of Walker's emailed this morning asking for prayers before an interview, this was Walker's response.

With friends like this...

Walker’s Surefire Interview Tips

#1 Make an effort to show up early. Shows commitment and dedication. I suggest the week before. Stake out a bivouac outside the corporate offices. Build rapport by grilling breakfast burritos for future colleagues as they walk in over the days ahead.

#2 At the conclusion of every statement during the interview execute a deft, exaggerated pursing of the lips.

#3 In the middle of a particularly long statement, excuse yourself, then pull out a silver flask from your jacket pocket. Pour some dark, amber liquid into your coffee mug then continue.

#4 Wear an eye patch. When asked about it reply, “Schenectady, baby” and wink, as if that explains it all.

#5 Show your concern for good, rock-solid facility management by asking, in deadly serious tones, “How often do you guys clean out the men’s rooms?”

#6 Insist on starting your interview with a 30 minute presentation on The Protocols of Zion.

#7 No matter what his or her name is, address your interviewer as “Monsignor X” or “Duchess Y”.

#8 Mix a huge thermos of high-protein, muscle-building shake during the interview. Make a big production out of it.

#9 At the beginning of the interview place a large stack of crisp $100 bills on the desk in front of your interview. Then state to no one in particular, “I am comfortable putting that money there. Yes, I am. Totally comfortable. Are you?”

#10 When asked about your previous job state darkly, “No comment. Don’t want to get into lawyer talk. Next question.”

#11 Rip a huge {toot} in the middle of the interview. Before your interviewer can say anything, look aghast and reply, “Sir, that was rude and unprofessional.” Use HIS shame and embarrassment to YOUR advantage.

#12 First thing you should say: “Man, you got some hotties working here. Yes you do!”

#13 No matter what the question bring it back to discussion around “team building exercises”. Comment relentlessly how much your enjoy team building exercises.

#14 When asked about your weaknesses reply, “Well, if little things start disappearing from the office…”

#15 Make wild promises. Chances are they won’t remember them anyway. “I can solemnly promise you that I will single-handedly increase company revenues by 820% in my first year. 850% if I can get a corner office.”

#16 Wear a Victorian-era cravat or ascot with your suit. Top hat and tails don’t hurt either.

#17 Start menacingly folding origami monsters during the interview. When each origami monster is done slowly crush the creation in your palm. When asked about it say, “The competition…”

#18 Show your worldly sophistication by using a faux European “Continental” accent during the interview, ala, how actors talked in the movies from the 30’s.

#19 Constantly pepper your comments with the phrase “Meet and exceed”. “Yes, I’ll take a coffee but please make sure it meets and exceeds my expectations.”

#20 Make it seem like it would be an honor for THEM to hire YOU. Make statements like, “It’s amazing your guys have even kept the lights on around here without me.”

#21 Wear a dozen Blue Tooth devices all around your person. Have friends constantly call and buzz you. Shows you are in demand.

#22 Say noble and pious things like “I don’t work for money. I work to make an impact” and “My job to me is simply some small way I can help to better my fellow man.”

#23 Make hard-carved, fire-tongued business cards crafted from exquisite paper thin sheets of whale bone. Hand them out like Chicklets.

#24 No matter what, tip the admin assistants. Make a show of it. Shows your generosity of spirit.

#25 No matter what the interview always end it with, “I’ll have my people call your people.”

My favorite is #14

And I have no idea what the Protocols of Zion are.

On the topic of interviews...once when I was about 24, I was interviewing for a job as a volunteer coordinator or something or other at St. Joseph Hospital. The girl interviewing me was just awful - reading the standard HR questions straight from the paper. But of course I was still nervous.

She got to the question that everyone asks - if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

Perhaps I hadn't practiced the standard baloney answer, "well, I am just such a perfectionist, I work so hard, it so hard to be me" blah blah.

Because that is not what came into my mind.

As I stared at Miss HR with a completely blank yet aghast look on my face, inside my head a tape played over and over that said only, My boobs would be bigger...My boobs would be bigger...My boobs would be bigger....

I didn't get the job.

Nor the boobs.

Got an interview horror story? Lay it on me.


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