Thursday, July 15, 2010

Maternal SATs

Please have your #2 pencils sharpened and ready.
Keep your eyes on your own screen.

Verbal portion:
Fill in the blanks.

1) Like a cat to catnip is a toddler to _____________.

a. toothpaste
b. Sharpies
c. toilet paper
d. vacuum cleaners
e. all of the above

2) Because infant formula is so _________ it is priced incredibly __________.

a. ubiquitous.....competitively
b. necessary....exploitatively
c. delicious.....high
d. obsolete.....fairly

3) To some, childbirth is considered __________. To others, it is considered _________.

a. a blessing......a means to an end
b. natural....a fabulous reason for copious amounts of drugs
c. beautiful.....kinda gross
d. all of the above

4) The children's union insisted A on an increase in there B members’ C starting allowance, and threatened to call a strike if the parents refused to D meet the demand. No error E.

5. a. Goodnight comb and goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody goodnight ___________
b. I love you, you love me, we're a __________ with a great big ________ and a kiss ______ won't you say ________________.
c. Brown bear, brown bear, _________________.
d. A told B and B told C, I'll _________________.
e. I'll love you ___________, I'll like you ________________, forever and __________ my ______ you'll _______.

6) Vocabulary. Define each word or phrase:

object permanence
tummy time
Irish twins
BPA free
5-point harness system
Plastibell method
Sleep positioner
nursing strike
sleepy cues
Ferber method
pincer grasp
separation anxiety
tongue thrust reflex
parallel play
sensory integration issues

Bonus: diastasis recti

7) Write the words represented by each abbreviation:


8) Essay portion: Describe every method you have ever tried to achieve continuous nighttime infant sleep. Raise your hand and ask your proctor if extra paper is required.

9) List a minimum of 12 uses for baby wipes.

10) Oral exam:
Recite Ephesians 6:1.

Mathematics portion
Please show your work.

1) Grayson is two years old. Grayson was up until 10pm and woke up at 5am. Determine the cranky factor for Grayson.

2) Find the cranky factor for Grayson's mother. Be sure to factor into the equation perimenopause. Calculators allowed for this question.

4) Gracen weighs 42 pounds. If Gracen's mother is lying on the floor and Gracen jumps from the couch to her stomach, estimate the pain level. Bonus: Determine the decibels of Gracen's mother's scream.

5) Which of the following represents the greatest value?
a. A weekly massage for a year
b. An annual weeklong retreat to a beach in the Caribbean
c. Babysitting for one weekend once every quarter
d. A daily 20 minute nap

6) Charming Charlies has approximately 434, 546 unique pieces of jewelry. GraceAnn, a five year old female child, is taken to Charming Charlies and told she may choose one item. The item must not be too expensive or too mature.
a. How many items will be rejected based on those two variables?
b. How many hours will this process take? Show your work.

7) a. A hypothetical woman is pregnant and gains 32 pounds. She loses 28 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 30 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 34 pounds. She loses 26 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 32 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. Determine the average of this hypothetical woman's disappointment with the volume of her postpartum body.
b. Is hypothetical woman considered angular or rotund? Support your answer.

8) A family with several children is driving a car from Houston to Dallas. They leave Houston at 5:45pm traveling at an average rate of 55 miles per hour. They stop the car three times averaging 12 minutes each time. The family arrives in Dallas at 10:30pm.

At what time did the children fall asleep in the car?
a. 10:28pm
b. 10:27pm
c. 10:26pm
d. 10:23pm

9) Graesonne is three years old. If Graesonne is disciplined by his parents every time he shouts NO at his parents, how many times will Graesonne be disciplined before he finally ceases shouting NO?

10) Add together the weight of a six month old child, the weight of an infant carseat, and the weight of a diaper bag packed by a first time mother. Based on this figure, determine the degree of back pain for said mother.

11) Probability: Two year old Graesin's mother is already 15 minutes late to her destination. Calculate the probability that Graesin will refuse to sit in his carseat.

12) If a 64 ounce bottle of apple juice is knocked off a kitchen counter, based on the initial velocity of the liquid, estimate the magnitude of impulse delivered to the floor, cabinets, and ceiling.

13) Estimation: Missy, a pregnant mother, is in the third stage of labor. An epidural is being auctioned off by three anesthesiologists in increments of $500. What is the maximum estimated expense that Missy would be willing to incur to receive one?

Pencils down. Time's up.
Please wait for the proctor to retrieve your tests.


  1. Missy. You have done it again. Love it!

  2. Laughing to the point of tears here, laughter is awesome, thanks Missy!

  3. LOVE it...especially the math portion. Did you take that directly from MY Grayson and everyone (I mean my) cranky factor?

  4. That's great!

    Only how did you have the brain energy to come up with such clever questions since you're a mom?!

  5. I've got this IN. THE. BAG. :)

  6. I know waaaay too many of those answers. :)

  7. You totally crack me up! This was HILARIOUS!!!

  8. Missy, I love YOU to the moon and back :) I've always said I blog for must be my therapist!

    Permission to write some linky love and let my Mommy readers come on over to your lovely ole blog to laugh with me??? Purty please? :) It's just too good a post to not say something!

  9. Standing and applauding. Well, not really, because I have 2 kids on my lap and one of them is eating peanut butter. So hypothetically standing and applauding.

  10. I love your posts! You never disappoint!! :) Hilarious!

  11. You crack me up. I scored a 100 on the books. :)

  12. Well, as a mom of 2 I did ok, not sure if I beat my ACTUAL SAT score of 640 or not....however, this was a GREAT laugh that I needed today. Thank you so much!!

  13. Grading:

    If you complete 1/4 of the test, you get a gold star for having most of your brain.

    If you stared at the screen and tried to make sense of the words, you get a Starbucks gift card, bless your heart.

    If you died laughing, congratulations, you're a Mom.

  14. P.S. I thought to myself the other day: I laugh more at Missy and Walker than most of my other friends combined. You could open for him at his comedy club with this routine.

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. Missy, this is going on my list of all-time favorite blog posts! Hilarious! Oh, and I think I rocked the Maternal SATs. :)

  17. Do you get extra credit for finding a way to keep your kids occupied while taking the test? Because I'm pretty sure that's a part of problem solving.

  18. Very funny! I am here by recommendation of Joyce, one of your readers!
    Thanks for the laugh! It has been one of those days . . .

  19. I love this! I went through so much to have my miracle girl and I am grateful for every single day with her. However, this made my day. Thanks so much.

  20. I have never commented on your blog; I'm more of a lurker. But Honey, that was a brilliant post.

  21. ohmygosh, that's the BEST of all posts! LOVE it! did you know that Eph 6:1 is nearly identical in any version of the Bible you read? pretty appropriate, I'd say :o)
    ps - got our shirts and lovelovelove them. thank you!

  22. This cracked me up, you are so creative!

  23. I could have gone to Harvard with this SAT score!!!

  24. Very clever.....I just cleaned up vomit at midnight and am sitting to read this before I attempt to get back to sleep.....there's nothing like midnight hurling (sounds like it should be the name of a band, right??) to get your adrenalin pumping. It's all I can do to not put on a pot of coffee right now. Thanks for the laughs!!

  25. Great job, mis! Very funny! THANKS---tkb

  26. Hehehe....just as long as the real SAT's - that was a truly clever post. Just because I'm a grammar/spelling nazi, thought, 4b is the wrong there. It should be a possessive "their." Love the variations of Grayson, lol.

  27. It's the possessive "there" because it is a test. That's the answer.

  28. Hilarious!

    I just discovered your blog, and I. Love. It. If only there were more hours in the day...


  29. Wow--do you put a lot of time into stuff like this, or do you just brilliantly knock it out?

  30. I wish I could embrace motherhood the way you do. These questions were all too familiar, and it just depressed me.

  31. my favorite part of this quiz is the many different spellings of Graysen!! That's so funny.

  32. Great job on this! You've got to send this in to some parenting magazine or something. Brilliant and hilarious!

  33. You're a riot, Missy. I put a link to it on my blog, if you don't mind. You should send this in to a magazine, for sure! GREAT JOB!!!

  34. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read!

  35. Reading your blog should equate some type of tax credit, you know, it being therapy and all!

    Does peeing yourself laughing give you any bonus points?



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