Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Oprah's in trouble! We're on our way!





TV Land is all abuzz because Judge Judy is kicking Oprah's behind in the ratings.

This is no shock to me. I have been a devoted Judge Judy fan since 1996. Judge Judy comes on at 4:00 and 4:30 pm every weekday and I do not miss a one. Unless it is a rerun. Which irritates me and throws my world a little askew and causes me to have a nervous tic until bedtime.

I am sure that Oprah, who for years was the queen of daytime TV, is a bit perplexed. And as much as I love Judge Judy, I do feel badly for Oprah. It's a long, long fall from her golden throne.

It's very sewius. We have to help her.

Therefore, as a token of my empathy and a sign of sacrificial love, I have decided to launch a Restore Oprah As The Queen of Daytime TV Campaign. ROATQOFTV for short.

We will be her own personal angel network.

Now I am not asking for donations (although you are certainly welcome to click on the paypal button on the t-shirt page if you feel so led) (not that it will actually go to the ROATQORTV fund) (because there is no ROATQOFTV fund) (but don't let that dissuade you). My campaign is much simpler than that.

If you are feeling as led as I am to ROATQOFTV, all you need to do is print out the following Wise Suggestions and send them to every single woman you know. And ask them to send them to every single woman they know. In NO TIME AT ALL sisters, 423 hours by my calculations, but then I was never good at math so don't quote me on that, every single woman in America will have in her hands the following Wise Suggestions.

If every single woman in America vows to keep at least two of the Wise Suggestions, then soon, Judge Judy's docket will be cleared of the majority of her cases and the show will tank and the ratings will instantly show that Oprah is once more RESTORED as TQODTV!!

And yes, of course, I am working with a jeweler to make some kind of Wise Suggestion Pledge Ring and possibly a sash with a badge for each Wise Suggestion they keep until marriage, both of which they will receive at special Wise Single Woman Ceremonies.

Ready? OKAY!

Wise Suggestions for Single Women,
gleaned via 14 years of avid attention to Judge Judy

Wise Suggestion 1:
Don't ever, ever get your boyfriend a cell phone in your name.
This is some complicated rationale so listen closely: If he can't get a cell phone in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 2:
Do not cosign for a motorcycle for your boyfriend.
If he can't get a motorcycle in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 3:
Do not cosign for a car for your boyfriend.
If he can't get a car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.


Wise Suggestion 4:
Do not buy rims for your boyfriend's car on your credit card.
If he can't get rims for his car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 5:
Do not bail your boyfriend out of jail and expect him to repay you. Do not let your momma or your sister bail your boyfriend out of jail and expect him to repay them either.
If he can't bail himself out of jail, it's because he has no money. If he has no money to bail himself out - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.


Wise Suggestion 6:
Do not put down retainer fees for a lawyer for your boyfriend to go to court when he is sued for back child support.
This is a two parter girls, heads up:
a) If he can't afford a lawyer, it's because he has no money. If he has no money to hire a lawyer - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.
b) If he does not pay his child support, it's because he is a lowlife with no money. If he is a lowlife with no money - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 7:
Lastly, for the love of all things pure and holy come in close and listen very very carefully:
Do not become pregnant by your boyfriend for whom you have given a cell phone, cosigned a car for, put rims on the car for, bought a motorcycle for, bailed out of jail, and hired an attorney for when he was sued for back child support.
Because if he If he can't get a cell phone or a motorcycle or a car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If he does not pay his child support, it's because he is a lowlife with no money. If he is a lowlife with no money who has bad credit and does not repay his debts, he is not going to pay his cell phone bill, he is not going to pay for the car, or the rims for the car, or the motorcycle, or the bail money, or the retainer for attorney you hired for him. And - listen. very. closely. now. He is not going to pay you any child support either AND he will break the lease on your apartment halfway through which will leave you a single mother with a lowlife baby daddy who will not help you at all to pay the rent, the utilities, the cell phone (which he will continue to use even after you break up to call his new girlfriend slash baby momma), the car, the rims for the car, the motorcycle, the attorney fees, and the bail money.

Spread the word, ladies.
Oprah is depending on us!!

The phone is ringing. There's a talk show host in trouble somewhere....

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