Oprah's in trouble! We're on our way!

TV Land is all abuzz because Judge Judy is kicking Oprah's behind in the ratings.

This is no shock to me. I have been a devoted Judge Judy fan since 1996. Judge Judy comes on at 4:00 and 4:30 pm every weekday and I do not miss a one. Unless it is a rerun. Which irritates me and throws my world a little askew and causes me to have a nervous tic until bedtime.

I am sure that Oprah, who for years was the queen of daytime TV, is a bit perplexed. And as much as I love Judge Judy, I do feel badly for Oprah. It's a long, long fall from her golden throne.

It's very sewius. We have to help her.

Therefore, as a token of my empathy and a sign of sacrificial love, I have decided to launch a Restore Oprah As The Queen of Daytime TV Campaign. ROATQOFTV for short.

We will be her own personal angel network.

Now I am not asking for donations (although you are certainly welcome to click on the paypal button on the t-shirt page if you feel so led) (not that it will actually go to the ROATQORTV fund) (because there is no ROATQOFTV fund) (but don't let that dissuade you). My campaign is much simpler than that.

If you are feeling as led as I am to ROATQOFTV, all you need to do is print out the following Wise Suggestions and send them to every single woman you know. And ask them to send them to every single woman they know. In NO TIME AT ALL sisters, 423 hours by my calculations, but then I was never good at math so don't quote me on that, every single woman in America will have in her hands the following Wise Suggestions.

If every single woman in America vows to keep at least two of the Wise Suggestions, then soon, Judge Judy's docket will be cleared of the majority of her cases and the show will tank and the ratings will instantly show that Oprah is once more RESTORED as TQODTV!!

And yes, of course, I am working with a jeweler to make some kind of Wise Suggestion Pledge Ring and possibly a sash with a badge for each Wise Suggestion they keep until marriage, both of which they will receive at special Wise Single Woman Ceremonies.

Ready? OKAY!

Wise Suggestions for Single Women,
gleaned via 14 years of avid attention to Judge Judy

Wise Suggestion 1:
Don't ever, ever get your boyfriend a cell phone in your name.
This is some complicated rationale so listen closely: If he can't get a cell phone in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 2:
Do not cosign for a motorcycle for your boyfriend.
If he can't get a motorcycle in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 3:
Do not cosign for a car for your boyfriend.
If he can't get a car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 4:
Do not buy rims for your boyfriend's car on your credit card.
If he can't get rims for his car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If his credit is bad, it's because he doesn't pay his debts. If he doesn't pay his debts - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 5:
Do not bail your boyfriend out of jail and expect him to repay you. Do not let your momma or your sister bail your boyfriend out of jail and expect him to repay them either.
If he can't bail himself out of jail, it's because he has no money. If he has no money to bail himself out - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 6:
Do not put down retainer fees for a lawyer for your boyfriend to go to court when he is sued for back child support.
This is a two parter girls, heads up:
a) If he can't afford a lawyer, it's because he has no money. If he has no money to hire a lawyer - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.
b) If he does not pay his child support, it's because he is a lowlife with no money. If he is a lowlife with no money - come in closer now and listen real good - he's not going to pay you back either.

Wise Suggestion 7:
Lastly, for the love of all things pure and holy come in close and listen very very carefully:
Do not become pregnant by your boyfriend for whom you have given a cell phone, cosigned a car for, put rims on the car for, bought a motorcycle for, bailed out of jail, and hired an attorney for when he was sued for back child support.
Because if he If he can't get a cell phone or a motorcycle or a car in his own name, it's because his credit is bad. If he does not pay his child support, it's because he is a lowlife with no money. If he is a lowlife with no money who has bad credit and does not repay his debts, he is not going to pay his cell phone bill, he is not going to pay for the car, or the rims for the car, or the motorcycle, or the bail money, or the retainer for attorney you hired for him. And - listen. very. closely. now. He is not going to pay you any child support either AND he will break the lease on your apartment halfway through which will leave you a single mother with a lowlife baby daddy who will not help you at all to pay the rent, the utilities, the cell phone (which he will continue to use even after you break up to call his new girlfriend slash baby momma), the car, the rims for the car, the motorcycle, the attorney fees, and the bail money.

Spread the word, ladies.
Oprah is depending on us!!

The phone is ringing. There's a talk show host in trouble somewhere....

MonsterBug Blanket WINNER

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

18

Timestamp: 2010-07-27 00:20:24 UTC

Congrats Lisa from Little Did I Know!

From nosing around Lisa's blog I just discovered that she is a single mom with three kids adopted through foster care who is in the process of adopting a baby girl with special needs from Hong Kong.

Which has me so vaklempt right now that I can barely type.

Because single adoptive moms are pretty much the most amazing women in the world who deserve a day named after them and a cruise to the Bahamas and I am SO GLAD that she won! Now she can pick out something precious for this precious little girl who is on the way!

Yea Lisa!!

Y'all I have a slew of other giveaways coming up. Keep coming back!

Sister torture

Hey Maggie.

there's a frog in here.
Really.

Wanna see it? Come look.

Little closer.

Closer.

FROG!

You wanna know who taught her that one?


Her uncle.
My big brother.

A giveaway!! And a tangent!!

Jennifer at Monster Bug Blankets makes absolutely adorable onesies, bibs, burp cloths, and - sit down - blankets.

Check these out.


I know you just said, "Oh! I love ladybugs!" because the love of ladybugs occurs whenever two X chromosomes meet. We've loved them ever since that Arlo Guthrie sounding dude sang Ladybug Picnic on Sesame Street. (Yes, of course there's a youtube.) One two three....four five six....

Five little monkeys swinging in a tree, teasing Mr.


you can't catch me! Except I think that's an alligator not a crocodile. But I'm too lazy to wiki it up. Either way it's so cute.

(Let me channel Ikey)
(Picture me snorting and talking with a fake English accent like that chick who just to "channel" - what was her name? She "channeled" some thousands year old king named Ramtha? When I was in college she was always on in the middle of the night when I got home.) (Yes of course there's a youtube. And a wiki. My word people are still sending money to this shiester.) (It's real late y'all, can you tell?) (I fell out of my trance. Let me snort and channel Ikey again.)

WOOK!!! TWUCK!! TOW TWUCK!! TOW TWUCK!!


Whew. That was exhausting. Please send money.

I don't have any random pop cultural references for this one.
It's just stinkin cute.


Jennifer is offering $36 for you to spend on your kiddo or on one of the 36 expecting women you know (or is that just me.) Go to her etsy store here, poke around, and tell me what tickled your fancy. Then leave me a comment and make sure I can contact you. Tweet it, facebook it, link it: earn another comment. US residents only.

She's also offering a 15% discount to anyone who puts 'I love naptime!' in the notes. You can wait for the revised invoice or pay and she will refund the discount. Discount does not apply to shipping.

I'll draw a winner on Sunday.

Links of love

LOVED THIS article about a single girl who doesn't understand why her mommy friend is tired all the time!

These pictures will make your heart smile

A Huge Need

Do I have the capacity to adopt? I had to start asking, could I handle one more? Not so much could I introduce one child to luxury- more along the lines of could I make an extra sandwich, an extra bed? Did I have the capacity to hug one more? Comfort starts looking pretty silly when you think about children without homes.

This gave me some much needed guffaws - Why Having a Toddler is Like Being at a Frat Party. The comments are equally hilarious.

A couple of weeks ago, I read Molly Piper's posts on how to help a friend who is grieving the lost of a baby. I had no idea I would need it so soon. My dear friends' baby boy was stillborn last Sunday. Please pray for Mitzi and Glen. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone though with a friend.

My new favorite quote: "Hold fast to the Bible. Base everything on the Bible. If you are going to criticize somebody, criticize them from the Bible. If you are going to affirm somebody, affirm them from the Bible. If you are going to do a strategy, do it from the Bible. Be a Bible saturated people." John Piper

And now, your youtube. This made me laugh out loud and also struck way too close to home. And for the three of you who don't get it - it's a parody.



Tomorrow - a giveaway!

I am now off to watch reality TV with my husband and praying everyone in our household makes it through the night without vomiting.

Good night!

As you start gathering school supplies for your kids, would you consider helping the children in Ziway?

Naptime readers, I'm very happy to be blogging for orphans. Occasionally Lifesong for Orphans will use It's Almost Naptime as a platform to raise awareness of certain issues. This post focuses on education in Ethiopia.

If you are interested in becoming a Lifesong blogger, please click here.

The school situation in the town of Ziway, Ethiopia is very inadequate.

Many children simply do not have the opportunity to attend school at any level or in any facility. The government schools are overcrowded with up to 75 students per classroom. Private schools tend to be somewhat better, but usually have 40-50 students per class. Whether private or public, the schools are lacking in even the basics. Students must share textbooks and cannot take their textbooks home. Even standard items such as chalk and pencils are in short supply and must be severely rationed.

The caregivers and children recognize the value of a good education. They know that education is critical to their obtaining good employment and providing for themselves and their families. Therefore, it is a priority to Lifesong for Orphans to construct a quality grade school as quickly as possible.

One of the essential ways to pull Ethiopia out of its poverty is to educate its citizens.

We all go out of our ways to give our kiddos the very best we possibly can. In Ethiopia, this looks very different than it does for you and me in the US!

Lifesong for Orphans is supporting 3 schools in the Ziway, Ethiopia area. We are currently repairing one of the schools and are in the process of building another, but are hopeful to use all three this fall.

As you start gathering school supplies for your kids, would you consider helping the children in Ziway?

We are in need of new desks, lights, and fixtures!

Current supply shelves:

Current ‘desks’:

New desks needed:

Make a donation here and indicate ‘Ethiopia school needs’ in the description.

To stay up to date on the progress, check back here.

Like Jen, I just figured I ought to let you know what I'm thinking

I don't know why Walker's mom and my mom feel the urge to send stuff home with us when we visit. They say they don't have room in their houses for it. Pppfft!! I've seen their closets, they have room. Lots of room.

For instance, my old bedroom - the very same bedroom I came home to as a baby - has some very nice built in cabinets that I know for a fact have room for my old albums


and collection books about my middle school idol


and trapper keepers from my sixth grade language arts class


back when I was a RAINBOW Lover!

And Walker's mom has three extra bedrooms in which she could surely store the middle school yearbooks that she sent home with him last Sunday.

This is Walker, circa 1987.


He thinks he looks quite gorgeous and studly. I said he looked a little, well, feminine. Like he could decorate a fabulous living room. Walker was so appalled by my estimation of his pubescent beauty that he put this photo on facebook and asked for a vote from his 391 friends.

The verdict?
Macho-ness is in the eye of the beholder.

As for his disbelief that he was and is anything less than a Greek god, what can you expect from a man who constantly poses for photos like this?


And if I ever leave my camera out, when I download the pictures there is always a slew of Self Portraits of Walker.

Just, standing by the breakfast table. Ever so pensively.


Here is his introverted brooding artist look.


Ho ho ho, oh McNeil-Leher, ho ho ho, you're so funny, you old dog, you.


He does this every. time.

My husband has a very, very healthy self-image.

I think it might stem from 1987. Because inside his eighth grade year book was a note from Jen. Click on it so you can read her middle school handwriting up close.


She's not trying to 'hype him into liking anybody'. I'm sure he was all torn up about her walking away when he walked into the room. What I really wonder is, did they keep it a 'silent war rather than a bloody one'?

Oh, middle school angst. Ya think ole Jen is over Walker yet? Perhaps if I sent her this picture it would ease the pain.


Better not. One look at that stache would probably just 'hurt a little, actually a lot', all over again.

Maternal SATs

Please have your #2 pencils sharpened and ready.
Keep your eyes on your own screen.

Verbal portion:
Fill in the blanks.

1) Like a cat to catnip is a toddler to _____________.

a. toothpaste
b. Sharpies
c. toilet paper
d. vacuum cleaners
e. all of the above

2) Because infant formula is so _________ it is priced incredibly __________.

a. ubiquitous.....competitively
b. necessary....exploitatively
c. delicious.....high
d. obsolete.....fairly

3) To some, childbirth is considered __________. To others, it is considered _________.

a. a blessing......a means to an end
b. natural....a fabulous reason for copious amounts of drugs
c. beautiful.....kinda gross
d. all of the above

4) The children's union insisted _A on an increase in there _B members’ _C starting allowance, and threatened to call a strike if the parents refused to _D meet the demand. No error _E.

Literature
5. a. Goodnight comb and goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody goodnight ___________
b. I love you, you love me, we're a __________ with a great big ________ and a kiss ______ won't you say ________________.
c. Brown bear, brown bear, _________________.
d. A told B and B told C, I'll _________________.
e. I'll love you ___________, I'll like you ________________, forever and __________ my ______ you'll _______.


6) Vocabulary. Define each word or phrase:

object permanence
tracking
tummy time
Irish twins
Soothies
BPA free
5-point harness system
Plastibell method
Sleep positioner
nursing strike
sleepy cues
Ferber method
pincer grasp
separation anxiety
tongue thrust reflex
cruising
parallel play
sensory integration issues

Bonus: diastasis recti

7) Write the words represented by each abbreviation:

AP
AAP
CIO
PPD
BF
PK
LMP
UTI
BFP / BFN
MDO
VBAC
RAD
RSV
MMR
NICU
DHA
RBSTs
PTA
PMS
LLL
PCOS
EDD
FMLA
VBS
IVF
SAHM

8) Essay portion: Describe every method you have ever tried to achieve continuous nighttime infant sleep. Raise your hand and ask your proctor if extra paper is required.

9) List a minimum of 12 uses for baby wipes.

10) Oral exam:
Recite Ephesians 6:1.


Mathematics portion
Please show your work.

1) Grayson is two years old. Grayson was up until 10pm and woke up at 5am. Determine the cranky factor for Grayson.

2) Find the cranky factor for Grayson's mother. Be sure to factor into the equation perimenopause. Calculators allowed for this question.

4) Gracen weighs 42 pounds. If Gracen's mother is lying on the floor and Gracen jumps from the couch to her stomach, estimate the pain level. Bonus: Determine the decibels of Gracen's mother's scream.

5) Which of the following represents the greatest value?
a. A weekly massage for a year
b. An annual weeklong retreat to a beach in the Caribbean
c. Babysitting for one weekend once every quarter
d. A daily 20 minute nap

6) Charming Charlies has approximately 434, 546 unique pieces of jewelry. GraceAnn, a five year old female child, is taken to Charming Charlies and told she may choose one item. The item must not be too expensive or too mature.
a. How many items will be rejected based on those two variables?
b. How many hours will this process take? Show your work.

7) a. A hypothetical woman is pregnant and gains 32 pounds. She loses 28 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 30 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 34 pounds. She loses 26 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 32 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. Determine the average of this hypothetical woman's disappointment with the volume of her postpartum body.
b. Is hypothetical woman considered angular or rotund? Support your answer.

8) A family with several children is driving a car from Houston to Dallas. They leave Houston at 5:45pm traveling at an average rate of 55 miles per hour. They stop the car three times averaging 12 minutes each time. The family arrives in Dallas at 10:30pm.

At what time did the children fall asleep in the car?
a. 10:28pm
b. 10:27pm
c. 10:26pm
d. 10:23pm

9) Graesonne is three years old. If Graesonne is disciplined by his parents every time he shouts NO at his parents, how many times will Graesonne be disciplined before he finally ceases shouting NO?

10) Add together the weight of a six month old child, the weight of an infant carseat, and the weight of a diaper bag packed by a first time mother. Based on this figure, determine the degree of back pain for said mother.

11) Probability: Two year old Graesin's mother is already 15 minutes late to her destination. Calculate the probability that Graesin will refuse to sit in his carseat.

12) If a 64 ounce bottle of apple juice is knocked off a kitchen counter, based on the initial velocity of the liquid, estimate the magnitude of impulse delivered to the floor, cabinets, and ceiling.

BONUS:
13) Estimation: Missy, a pregnant mother, is in the third stage of labor. An epidural is being auctioned off by three anesthesiologists in increments of $500. What is the maximum estimated expense that Missy would be willing to incur to receive one?

Pencils down. Time's up.
Please wait for the proctor to retrieve your tests.

Better me than you

Because I am barefoot 99% of the time, and because we aren't the neatest house on the block, the incident of stepping on sharp, pointy objects is an all too common occurrence.

I wish I could blame it on the kids, but I've never, ever had the neatest house on the block. My floor has always been a bit of a landmine. The soles of my feet are riddled with the scars of my domestic ineptitude.

Recently for some odd reason I was blessed to be wearing shoes when I stepped up the stairs and directly on top of a wayward nail which pierced straight through the sole of my shoe and into my poor foot. As I screamed dramatically, the thought ran through my mind which, for almost seven years, has been repeated every time I have been assaulted by my own home: Glad I got to that first. Better me than one of the kids.

That pretty much sums up the change in our hearts (and pain tolerance) caused by motherhood, doesn't it? A tack in the foot no longer yields screaming and curses, but gratitude. The same tack could have harmed the sweet soft skin of my precious child. It hurts, but it would have hurt my baby worse. Better me than him.

Soon after Shepherd's birth, I realized that not only would I take a bullet for him, but I'd take a bullet for him gladly. With zero hesitation. Now the chances of me being asked to take a bullet for one of my children are thankfully very small. But thumbtacks? Slivers of glass? Runaway carpet nails? A Lego with a vendetta? It's a repetitive - sometimes daily - sacrifice.

Today I was cleaning the girls' room. As I slid my hand under Maggie's bed, my right thumb made direct contact with the pointy end a piece of glass. A rather large piece of glass, which could have done substantial damage to a small foot. My blood oozed from my body, while, as usual, I expressed gratitude for the opportunity to get to it first. Better me than her.

I stared at the blood stained glass when suddenly, I stifled a sob, and doubled over.
For the image of my bloody Savior hanging on a cross had appeared in my mind.
And He said, Better Me than you.

The Lord, in His wondrous mercy, beat me to the piercing, and the pain, and the blood. It was a sacrifice. Because He loves me even more than I love my own children.

When they tied his arms to a post with his back exposed, and He braced Himself for what was to come, He said, Better Me than you.
When they raised the whip, it's tendrils tied with pointy pieces of glass and metal and bone, He said, Better Me than you.
When they brought the whip down on His back, with full force, over and over and over and over and over, He said, Better Me than you.
When the skin had been shredded and the arteries and veins in the muscles in His back began to hemorrhage, He said, Better Me than you.
When they dug the crown of thorns into his head, He said, Better Me than you.
When they grabbed His beard in their hands and pulled as hard as they could to rip the hair from His face, He said, Better Me than you.
When they called Him the foulest names they could think of, He said, Better Me than you.
When they slapped and punched His bleeding cheeks, and mocked Him, and spit on Him, and beat Him with a staff until His bloody tortured body was unrecognizable as human, He said, Better Me than you.
When they forced him to lift the seventy five pound crossbeam, lay it across his scourged and lacerated shoulders, and ordered his failing body to walk, He said, Better Me than you.
When the loss of blood and the pain from his injuries caused him to stumble and drop the cross, He said, Better Me than you.
When they stripped off all His clothes and threw His naked, mutilated body down on the cross, hammered thick, heavy, wrought-iron nails into His wrists, then lifted Him into place, He said, Better Me than you.
When they crossed his ankles and hammered similar nails into the arches of his feet, He said, Better Me than you.
When He struggled to breathe, causing Himself excruciating pain no matter how He moved, He said, Better Me than you.
When He looked into the face of a mother, His mother, watching the murder of her precious child, her baby boy, He said, Better Me than you.
When His Father turned His back on Him, when He felt most forsaken, when He cried out in agony and heartache and despair, He said, Better Me than you.
When His chest filled with fluid and He felt His own heart drown within Him, He said, Better Me than you.
When He cried out before He finally suffocated to death, He said, Better Me than you.
When He took on the wrath of God and paid the penalty for your sins, and my sins, and our beloved children's sins, He said, Better Me than you.

This is love:
not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
1 John 4:10

Perfect day

Walker is taking all week off for a staycation.

HOORAY!!!!!!!

Yesterday we fulfilled a dream and put the kids in mother's day out all day and went to the pool. Just us. Me and my husband. No kids. On lawn chairs. With grownup books. As far away from the kiddie area as we could possibly get.

It was so wonderful, I can't even tell you. There was conversation and flirtation and jubilation. At almost 5pm we moseyed in all wet and sunburned and chillaxed to pick up the kids. After accusing us, "You left us here ALL DAY!" Eva Rose, PI froze and said, "Why is Daddy in his bathing suit?" Then she lifted my swimsuit cover up and gasped, "Y'all went swimming!! Y'all went and had fun WITHOUT!! ME!!"

Any chance we can get, babycakes. Any chance we can get.

On the way home, the MOST EXCITING THING HAPPENED. We got stuck behind a TCHOO TCHOO TWAIN!! YES!! WOOK!! WOOK!! A TCHOO TCHOO TWAIN!!


That face. Oh, my word, I love that little face.
And I sorely wish my iPhone had a flash.

This morning, I woke up at 9:30am. Yessssss. While I slept, Walker had gotten the kids up, fed, dressed (I'm a little scared to see the result of that), taken them to mothers' day out, AND HE HAD GONE TO THE STORE ON THE WAY HOME AND BOUGHT MILK. I thought, wow, having a wife rocks!! I could get used to this!! Let's move to Juniper Creek!!

Every once in a while when I am in the midst of my wifely chores the little whiny woman who lives inside of me pouts, "Must be nice to have clean underwear just magically appear in your drawers." Then immediately afterwards I hear God answer Little Whiny Woman, "Yeah, about as nice as it is to have a paycheck just magically appear in your bank account." That tends to shut up Whiny Woman right quick.

I would so much rather be folding laundry with Judge Judy blaring in the background than making spreadsheets or whatever it is Walker does all day. Thank you, Lord.

Moving on.

After I drank my coffee with a dollop of ice cream in it (thank you again, Lord) Walker and I had a huge prayer time. If we know you, we probably prayed for you. And I only cried once, which is like, a record. Because I am a bit of an emoter, in case y'all hadn't figured that out. It was when we prayed for Bethie's birthmom, and I begged that she know the Lord so that all of us will spend eternity praising Christ together.

Could you get through that one without crying? If so, you are a much more hormonally stable woman than I, my friend.

Walker also prayed that (sigh) I might somehow (sigh) someway find the time (sigh) to write a book that Walker and severalothersyouknowwhoyouare keep urging me to (sigh) write. (Exasperatedsigh.) It would take a divine miracle, so, (sigh) we'll see if God answers that one.

Meanwhile, our only child at home, Rocket, ignored all his 48 chew toys and eviscerated some food storage. As is his custom.

Then as part of The Perfect Day, I asked Walker to sit on the couch and get him some DVRed Beth Moore just because he never does that with me. Which further confirmed my theory that did not need any more confirmation that women should be doing women's ministry and men should be doing men's ministry. Of course some ministry crosses gender lines, but on the whole, we know our own.

At one point Beth said something that really spoke to me. Right in my marrow. I got her. I looked over at my hairy husband and said, "You've never once been 'oppressed by your own emotions', have you?" He shook his head and said, "Nooope." And took a sip of beer.

Women ----------> women.
Men --------------> men.

But he did go "Hm. Hm." during the two whole Life Todays we watched and afterwards said, "She is an excellent teacher." So I'll keep him. Whew.

Afterwards, I made pizza with the ingredients that Walker picked up when he got the milk (spinach, baby bellas, and feta, oh my) and, you know, blogged.

Then WALKER picked up the kids.
And I discovered that they weren't dressed so bad after all!


If I can just teach him to accessorize...

(How cute does Eva Rose PI look? God bless handmedown fairies.)

Next on the agenda: naps and a 5:30 spin class. To burn off the ice cream coffee and pizza. Then tonight, when the kids are in bed, we have a Top Chef AND a Next Design Star to watch!

Yippee for Staycations!!!

Reflections on...Maggots

Quite a few years ago, I was single still and owned a little house. I threw lots of parties at that little house and one of them was a goodbye barbecue for our friend Dave, who was moving to Dallas to attend seminary.

The Tuesday after this party was trash day. I intended to roll my big black City of Houston trashcan down to the curb before I left for work. Before I did, I glanced inside at the trash bags collected from the remnants of the barbecue. And crawling among my trash can were lots of little maggots.

"I'm okay," I told myself as I got in my car. "It's okay. I am okay." And I almost was. Until I remembered that scene from The Lost Boys when he looks into the Chinese takeout rice he is eating and sees maggots. About two blocks from home, I pulled over, opened the car door, and threw up in a vacant parking lot.

I remembered this story tonight as I was reading A Marriage Without Regrets. Kay Arthur tells a similar story that happened when she was 14. Now, Kay was 14 about sixty years ago. And yet, sixty years later, the memory of those maggots "makes her skin crawl."

Just what is it about maggots that has this effect on us?

They are not the grossest looking creatures. They are just little and white - not nearly as disgusting as the giant Texas cockroaches I encounter on a far-too-regular basis. At the time the trashcan incident happened, I wasn't even positive what maggots were (fly larvae, fyi). Or what they did. But the very sight of them made me revisit my breakfast.

Now I know this is a gross topic but it is incredibly intriguing to me because, as much as I utterly deplore and am terrified of cockroaches, I have never once thrown up at the sight of one. But we all have very visceral reactions to maggots. And if I am anything like Kay, my stomach will still churn at the memory of Dave's barbecue maggots for another fifty years.

Something deep within our soul reacts to maggots, in the same way that I believe we are intrinsically frightened of snakes and spiders.

We should be thankful for them. Without maggots, animals would die and just - stay there. Dead. The roadsides of Texas would be littered with millions of armadillos.

And maggots have other redeeming qualities: scientists are use them in medicine to clean out wounds, because maggots only eat the decaying flesh and leave the healthy flesh alone. After that fateful day, I googled "Help! I have maggots in my trashcan!" and came across many websites saying if your dog gets maggots in a wound, leave them there (ugh.) They are much more exacting than a surgeon's scapel. So, technically, maggots are a blessing.

So, why are repulsed at the mere thought of them?

I have a theory: it is because deep down, we know why maggots exist. Even if we aren't completely conscious of their ecological purpose, in our hearts, in our souls, we know what they do.

They eat flesh. Decaying flesh.
They rely - they thrive - on death.

I believe God has written on our hearts that maggots are a sign of the Fall - they are only necessary because there is decaying flesh all around, and that decaying flesh is a result of Adam and Eve's sin. Of my sin. Of the same sin that ate the fruit and nailed the Son of God to a cross.

When we see them, squirming around as they binge greedily on a once living creature, our souls confront mortality, and our souls recoil.

This afternoon I watched the movie Blades of Glory. Now, this is one of the dumbest movies ever. And oh, how I laughed. I don't believe we have watched an adult movie while the children were in the room before, but they were this afternoon. The movie is fairly innocuous and I figured they would laugh at the ice skating. What I didn't factor in was the cursing.

Blades of Glory's curse words are not on the varsity team - only the d-word, the h-word, an occasional s-word. Shepherd and Eva Rose were half watching, half playing but when the characters cursed, my eyes would dart to them to see their reaction.

They didn't look up, they didn't even flinch. I realized it was because they just didn't know those words. They've never heard the a-word. They didn't even realize it was bad.

Oh, what innocence, to not even flinch.

Then it occurred to me that, were my children not in the room and thereby making me hyper-aware, I wouldn't have flinched either. I hear these words often enough - and yes, even sometimes say them - that I have become oblivious to them as my children are. But not because of innocence, oh, no.

When did I begin flinching?
And more telling, when did I quit?

Tonight, for some reason Walker and I began talking about when I first came to orientation at the University of Texas. All of the freshmen received a AIDS prevention brochure in from the University about safe s*x. In this brochure, there was a list of "safe activities" and "unsafe activities." The unsafe list had terms that I had never, ever heard before.

My roommate and I discussed the strange unsafe practices, consulted with friends, then guffawed when we were "enlightened" at some of the bizarre (and unsafe, according to this brochure) things some people do in the name of s*xual pleasure. God's beautiful plan for loving, married couples perverted in the most absurd and obscene ways. I giggled as a little of my innocence - already holding on by a thread by the age of 18 - was lost.

Some of the things on that list still repulse me to remember. Some of them, however, I don't think would, these twenty years later. I've heard it all again since then. I've heard even worse.

When did I stop flinching?

When did I get so blase when confronted with wickedness?

When did my soul cease to recoil at sin that leads to death?

When did I quit even noticing it?

When Jesus sends his disciples out to save the lost of Israel, he said, “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and innocent as doves."

Wisdom and innocence is a very delicate balance. How can I know when to recoil, and still be wise? How can I remain innocent when the world around me constantly bombards me with depravity? How do I keep a clean heart and a pure mind in a world that glorifies evil?

I want to reject the sin that devours the decaying flesh around me. I want maggots to be unleashed in my life for medicinal purposes. I want them to eat away at the flesh of my old self, the flesh that wants more than anything to jump on board with the world until I am so immune to sin that I never, ever flinch.

Yet I want my soul, the soul that seeks holiness, to remain. Cleansed. More precisely than a surgeon's scalpel. As precisely as a double-edged sword.

Dear God, show me how to be in the world and not of it. May my sin and the sins that surround me, the evidence of death that feasts on my soul, repulse me so much more than those maggots.


A rerun for Sarah who has fruit flies in her fridge

Hurricane link loves

Christi is having a fantastic raffle over here

Go here to vote for Carey's Talkumentary on Oprah!

Kelly's Korner: if you make and sell something, link up here

Adoption and Islam - Velly interesting. Velly non-Christian.

When Mom Doesn't Look like the Kids on NPR

Four False Converts and their Testimonies

Real names of 23 fictional characters Who knew Snuffleupagus had a first name? And was anyone besides me traumatized as a child because no one could see him but Big Bird?

Praising and praying for Meg, who just got baby Suhn in China

We got some bad news, which has delayed our adoption by weeks and possibly months (thanks a lot, Houston INS.) Yesterday, this was about the only thing that made me laugh. Hat tip to 22 Words.