Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Just hold me now before I fall and break a hip


From the time in third grade when I asked my mom what the Snoopy shirt said across the way at Target (the Target love runs deep) and she realized what were soon to be the beginnings of myself being blind as a bat (as well as having a penchant for run on sentences) until I was about 27 and got the long awaited, long beloved LASIK SURGERY, I spent a great deal of time at the eye doctor.

LASIK changed my life because when I said blind as a bat, I mean, like 20/1200. You know what that means? That means that I would have to be 20 feet in front of something to see what you could see from 1200 feet away, ie, over a third of a football field. Which might explain why I often found myself cheering at the wrong time when the wrong guys ran the wrong way at all those Longhorn games. Well, actually it was because I found/find football about as complicated as calculus. And boring too. As boring as calculus too.

Once I fell asleep in the middle of a UT/Rice game. Right there. In the stadium. Snoozing. On a date even. The fact that we used to um, doctor up our cokes a little bit might have had something to do with it. But mostly it was just because the roar of the crowd sounds a bit too much like the roar of my white noise machine and lulls me to sleep quicker than you can say Pavlovian Effect.

Where was I.

Oh yes, I had LASIK surgery and it was one of the most fantabulous things to ever happen to me. After almost a lifetime of wearing prescription coke bottles and spending a fortune on lost contacts, I could SEEEEEEEEEEEE. It was glorious.

But, then I got pregnant. And along with those pregnancies completely ruining redesigning the curvature of my butt/gut/etc, they also changed the curvature of my eye. 

So, back to the eye doctor went I. My new glasses were kinda cute and I felt oh-so-Lisa-Loeb and I proved that I have no pride whatsoever when I sang for y'all here.

After my Lisa transformation life was fine and all but then in the last few months - well, ever since I turned FORTY - something dreadful has begun to happen. Not only do I need my glasses almost all the time, but I can't read with my glasses on!

Y'all know what it means when you are both nearsighted and farsighted y'all....the B word!!!!!!!!

Some of y'all who are like, 35 and under might not know what the B word is and I hate the be the one to scar your virgin ears (eyes) but...well, someone has to rob you of your innocence, might as well be me/Lisa. Brace yourselves....The B word is....

Bifocals.

I'm sorry.
It hurt me more than it hurt you.

Today I went to an awesome new eye doctor who explained that except for the farsightedness, my left eye is almost 20/15, as in, over achiever, but my right eye is 20/60!!

Which actually makes perfect sense being that all them pregnancies left other parts of my body equally lopsided.

(Biiiiiiifocaling bifocals!!!)

The right eye is also farsighted, of course, because she showed me on the computer how the muscles that make you read get really lazy as you enter your late thirties - and then she looked straight at me and said - 'and especially during your early forties.' Rub it in, dr. sister. But, she had some new contacts that could help both issues.

I gasped and replied, don't say it Dr....don't say the B word...

'No!' she said. 'You're not ready for the B-word. Yet.'

Exhale.

The new non-bifocal contacts fit quite nicely and I could feel the youth just begin to ooze right back into my misshapen body via my misshapen corneas.

A few minutes later as the barely legal receptionist (a fetus, Walker would call her) checked me out, a song came over the radio, and I told her, "Oh! I went to this concert." Then I added, all bifocally like, "I bet you weren't even born yet."

And she said, "Oh, but I know this music, because my parents used to play a lot of oldies."

And then the Holy Spirit intervened and prevented me from slapping her upside the head and knocking her farsighted.

Here is the oldie prissy lou was referring to.

And I saw them live, in 1985.

Cause I'm a lopsided half blind national historical stinkin treasure.

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