I got food poisoning.
From a little local diner we eat at quite frequently, the Proverbs 32 Cafe.
Monday evening about 6:30, Walker emerged from his office, ie, a bedroom surrounded by a blue and red car bed, a Fisher Price car garage, various stuffed bears and 28 Matchbox cars where he sits on the floor in shorts and an undershirt with a laptop in front of him drinking ice tea and wheelin and dealin. As I passed the stairs on my way to the kitchen, he pointed to his eyes, "Look at this. Look. At. This. LOOK at me." Being a good wife, I looked. His eyes were red, very red, and tears were running down his unshaven face.
"What's wrong with you?" Sweet Concerned Wife said. Selfish Wife thought, "This issue won't stop you from putting the kids down, right?"
"I don't know. Look at this. Look. At. This."
"I see. Does it hurt?" said sweet concerned wife. Selfish Wife thought, "Please don't tell me you can't put the kids down."
"YES. They're BURNING. It's KILLING ME."
"Do you need to go to the ER?" Sweet concerned wife asked. Selfish Wife answered, "Nooooo! Nooooo!"
"I dunno. Maybe."
"Seriously? Oh my gosh babe."
And then Sweet Concerned Wife and Selfish Wife both said in unison, "Well, go ahead an put the kids down, and we'll see if it gets better." Then they both hurried to get him some Benadryl.
As he put the kids down (yea!), I pulled the hamburger patties out of the fridge and began to cook them for us. They'd been in there a while, which was why I needed to cook them. Can't really remember how long, the dog days of summer and all, plus I was preoccupied by my husband's BURNING KILLING ME eyes.
After he put the kids down (whew!) he went to lie down, exhausted by his ocular trauma. I asked him if I should go ahead and eat, he said yes. He kept on sleeping. I proceeded to eat one of the best hamburgers I've ever cooked, feeling guilty over how fattening it was, but enjoying it immensely as I watched TV. He never woke up.
Around 11pm, my tummy felt unhappy.
I'll spare you the details after that.
But those calories? No longer a concern.
Walker never ate his hamburger.
His tummy is fine.
And he was indeed Sweet Concerned Husband when I moaned on the couch all day yesterday, went to bed at 5pm, and did not wake up till this morning.
His eyes? They're fine. Who knows why they suddenly acted like they gasoline had been thrown in them while he was busy wheeling and dealing on a Pottery Barn kids' table whilst propped against a teddy bear. These things happen to Walker sometimes. Remember the Vegas Dumbo incident?
Anyway, my tummy has recovered, which brings us to Missy's Totally Awesome Tip #2:
One of the joys of aging is that while the rest of your body is acting like it's 60, your face starts to think it is 16 again. I've had more trouble with breakouts in the past five years than I ever did in high school.
I'd hung out with the teenagers in the zit aisle trying every acne product available and nothing worked. I'd scrubbed, exfoliated, dabbed various lotions and potions, all in vain. I was whining about this, especially the "underground zits" (fancy name: cystic acne) that come and go on my chin when my friend Stacey told me that her dermatologist had told her to use Oil of Olay Total Effects moisturizer because it had Vitamin B in it or something - whatever, I bought some at Target and tried it. And...
And it works fast - my chin cleared up within two days, and when I use it regularly, the underground zits stay away.
Now I'm going to have some ice cream.