Friday, November 4, 2011

Getting in accidents

Today I got a letter that went something like this:

Dear Mrs. Dollahon,

What the freak with all the doctor visits and physical therapy appointments? 
Did you get in an accident? 
Is there someone we should be suing to pay for this? 
Please call us asap.


With love and affection,
Your Health Insurance Company

Our phone conversation will go something like this:
Yes, one of them was an accident. And, well, actually another was too. Then we had two non-accidents and the result of all that was that I had four children in 3.5 years and they were all pretty big with gigantic, gigantic heads that they get from their dad (which I think was my punishment for laughing at his baby pictures) and I am only 5'1 and subsequently they flat out destroyed my back but I could never find time to go to the bathroom by myself much less do something incredibly time consuming like go to the doctor except for my OB of course who I saw more than most family members but NOW the accidents and non-accidents are in school for at least half a day and we are adopting a baby - huh? - Ethiopia - yeah, a baby, as little as possible - no we don't know her yet, we're on a list - well it used to be quick but now it's taking forever - oh that's nice good for them - yeah so we thought she'd be home by now but things in Ethiopia got kinda weird and slow so I suddenly find myself with allllll thiiiiiis freeeee tiiiime (like 20 hours a week! It's zany!) and in between long leisurely solo potty breaks I am taking it upon myself to go to the approximately 25 various doctors I have been avoiding but needing since 2003. So there's really no one to sue but my husband and we don't have any money because have you been listening to my story?
Have a nice day!

(And I was pregnant.)


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