Sunday, November 6, 2011
Seeking rat status
I'm paying perfect strangers good money to take a laser and use it to burn the majority of my body until I resemble a newborn baby rat.
Except, not ugly.
A cute newborn baby rat.
Which doesn't exist.
But you get my point.
When I got my surgery in August WHICH I HAVE TO REPEAT BECAUSE I PUKED AND RIPPED MY STITCHES OPEN THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I got a credit to the doctor's 'spa'.
Now, as I have mentioned, I am a hairy hairy woman. Now I know that we humans are not animals, but created in the image of God.
But y'all, sometimes I look at my arms, or my legs, or my unibrow, and I start to think that Darwin mighta been on to something.
I've been in a battle with my gorilla legs since middle school. No method of hair removal has gone untried. I even had an Epilady - remember those? Yes, I rotated a vibrating coil over my legs while it ripped out the hairs one by one. Because desperate times = desperate measures.
So when the spa opportunity presented itself, I poohpooh'd the fotofacial option, haha'd at the Botox option, and sang out in jubilant song, LASER MY LEGS, PLEASE!!!!!
I'm don't think that I've been this excited about making an appointment that didn't involve an epidural in my life. I went last Thursday.
And of course, I photojournaled it for you, my sweet invisibles.
Here I am in my pink spa robe about to go to the light. The Intense Pulsed Light, that is.
For once being a white girl with black hair worked in my favor, because that makes me the best candidate for laser hair removal. The light has to actually seek out the root so you shave before you go, so it won't be wasted on visible hair.
My laser girl was a sweet little 25 year old named Leslie, and it was fun talking to a 25 year old for two hours because I don't get to do that very often. Always great to be reminded just how old you are. And that even if in your head, you still think you're 25, yeah, you're so not. So, so not.
Turns out the machine she used is an IPL, not an actual laser. Hm. This may be a bad thing.
First she put numbing cream on my legs. Then she put this gel all over it - seemed just like ultrasound gel - that is supposed to act as a barrier.
Then she held the little wand right next to my skin, put on her sunglasses, and ZAPPED over and over and over and over. My entire legs, ankle to thigh, in two inch increments.
Did it hurt?
Seriously? Did you just ask me that?
Yes. It hurt. Like hades.
I told her I was ready for my epidural but it just confused her. Silly 25 year old.
Fortunately I had popped one half of a vicodin left over from the surgery which greatly helped. I found out later that other machines have this cool air blower thing on them - well, mine didn't.
Now, I wait. Within two weeks, the hairs are just supposed to fall out. It's been ten days and last night some of them began to - I can tweeze it and it just slides out. Yippee! But a lot of them are still hanging on...so we'll see. It is supposed to take several sessions to work completely - and I've since learned that the IPL isn't considered the best thing for hair removal. Sigh. At least it was free.
The good news, is I have been watching all the Groupon et al sites like a hawk for other laser places in my part of town and they've finally come. I've been a Groupon buyin fool!
Being that I have paid many an East Asian woman to pour hot wax on my face then rip it off as fast as she can whilst singing "No pai no gai!" on Tuesday, I used Groupon to getting my face lasered. To kill off those turning-forty-gifts. Pa rum pa pa pum.
Four body parts down....approximately fifty more to go!!
Have y'all ever done it? Did it work?