Praise the Lord and pass the mint jelly

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So I am now the mom to an 8 year old. Which just sounds stinking old because it's only 2 years away from 10 which is two years away from 12 which is 4 years away from 16 which means almost GROWN which means I am practically a GRANDMA ALREADY oh my skull deep exhale so please let's just quit talking about it can we?

For Shep's birthday party last weekend, he wanted to go the Battleship Texas. With his dad. And grandad. And buddies. And truly there was NO need for Mom. So y'all - get this - the daddies did the party and the mommies stayed home.

I KNOW.
Is that not the coolest thing you've heard all week??

Look how cute they were, all hot and sweaty and revved up with hot sweatiness.

Now I have been to the Battleship Texas often enough. Granted the last time I went I was rockin the Garanimals but my memory of it can be summed up in two words: hot and gray.

Why look! - it's still hot and gray!

Walker took him down there and they ate lunch and ice cream while I sat in air conditioned comfort. Because I don't know if y'all have heard or not but IT IS SO HOT DOWN HERE IT IS NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

Listen, when life-long Houstonians say "It's hot", it's just way different than when, say, Kelly says it's hot.

Look. This was yesterday in my car.
Just look.
Okay you might not want to look because it is simply obscene.
Make sure there are no kids in the room.
Now look.

GASP

But looky - tomorrow we're supposed to get a cold front!!

Good to the grief.

Friday was Shep's actual birthday and on their birthdays, my kiddos get the joy of all day menu planning. Which is how Maggie ended up with a crime scene for breakfast, remember? Well evidently Shep's not into murder mystery meals because this year he said, "Can we go to a restaurant?" Well, sure! Up at 6am we were (yawn) and sitting in a Denny's shortly thereafter.

Shep opened the gifts Walker had purchased him (including an MRE - click here, I didn't know what they were either) while I had the opportunity to begin my day the way that Jesus woulda, if he coulda:

I praise you Lord, for glorifying yourself through grits and butter. Lots of butter.

Eva Rose was just hyper at the restaurant. And ravenous as she beheld the glory of the Grand Slam Junior and then scarfed everyone else's leftovers in between bouncing rather annoyingly on the booth cushion. I finally looked at her and said, "Eva Rose! Use your manners! Quit being a pig!"

She took a bite of her bacon and replied, "I'm not being a pig. I'm eating a pig."

My daughter is no vegetarian. And I am glad. I have nothing against vegetarians and am not a huge carnivore myself, but don't I have enough issues in this House of Many People All of Whom Are Individuals With Their Own Individual and Sometimes Irritating Wants and Needs?

I have baggage on this issue, as I was scarred by the story of how my friend Kimberly became a vegetarian. She was five years old and went on a field trip with her kindergarten class to a farm. About a week later was Thanksgiving, and her mother remarked, "This is a turkey like the one you saw last week." Kimberly burst into tears, ran from the table, and no animal product has polluted her body since 1975.

I cataloged vegetarian child with all the other parenting horror stories: drownings, fires, disease, daughters resisting smocking, and so on. I have prayed in the name of Jesus that I would never encounter such atrocities.

This summer we were driving back from Jessica's parents' ranch (aka heaven) and saw some little precious lambs frolicking gleefully in a sunny Texas pasture.

"Oh, look there!" the little children cried.

"Yes, those are lambs. Just like the lamb you had for dinner the other night," said their father.

I gasped quietly. And froze.
And waited to see which way my fate would be thusly directed.

"Oh," said Eva Rose, "hi little lambys! You are so adorable."
She paused.
Then she added, "And delicious."

And I was thankful.

Eight

He was born on 8-26 (2+6=8)

at 8:08 pm

He weighed 8 pounds and 8 ounces

We named him Shepherd (8 letters) Emmanuel (8 letters)
Dollahon (8 letters)

and today
he is 8

Happy birthday Shepherd. 

It is exciting to watch the man you are becoming.

You are deeply and fully loved.

Can I have a minute? Okay, ten?

Today I am going to ask for about the same amount of time it takes to check your facebook to really, really make a difference for some kids who need help. 

1 - Amy at Filled with Praise has a story about a precious little boy named "E" who has some big health issues. You can read his story here. And there is a GIVEAWAY for helping to get the word out - go here to enter that. Spread the word and get more entries!!


2 - After the earthquake in Haiti, I found and fell in love with God's Littlest Angels. Read this blog post and you will see why.

Today I received this email from them and I know y'all want to do this. It literally takes two seconds to vote once; thirty seconds to register and vote three more times; thirty more seconds to connect your twitter and facebook and vote 2 more times:

"Do you know 50 people who would help you make a difference?

If every single one of the people who read this on the blog, who like our page on Facebook, who get the e-mail that I'm sending out would ask 50 people to help make a difference, we'd be amazed at what God could do.

What am I talking about? It's the Giving of Life Campaign.

We have until November 4 to make sure that we're one of the top 10 vote getters and make it into the finals. We're currently very solidly in 4th place so that's a good thing.

But, the judges will pick among the top 10 and award the grants to only the top 3.

Our kids could really use the support.

50 people, 150 votes (each person can get three votes if they register) to help us get a grant that could get us $50,000.

$50,000 is about what we spend on formula for a year."

 Easy peasy y'all.

Thanks for your sweet hearts for the least of these.

Have a great weekend!

~ What? Did you say, "Can I be lazy and copy and paste this post on my blog??"
I always support lazy blogging. Copy away!!! ~

Maternal SATs

I've got two more days of summer to spend with my kiddos. Y'all know what that means?
Rerun!


Please have your #2 pencils sharpened and ready.
Keep your eyes on your own screen.

Verbal portion:
Fill in the blanks.

1) Like a cat to catnip is a toddler to _____________.

a. toothpaste
b. Sharpies
c. toilet paper
d. vacuum cleaners
e. all of the above

2) Because infant formula is so _________ it is priced incredibly __________.

a. ubiquitous.....competitively
b. necessary....exploitatively
c. delicious.....high
d. obsolete.....fairly

3) To some, childbirth is considered __________. To others, it is considered _________.

a. a blessing......a means to an end
b. natural....a fabulous reason for copious amounts of drugs
c. beautiful.....kinda gross
d. all of the above

4) The children's union insisted _A on an increase in there _B members’ _C starting allowance, and threatened to call a strike if the parents refused to _D meet the demand. No error _E.

Literature
5. a. Goodnight comb and goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody goodnight ___________
b. I love you, you love me, we're a __________ with a great big ________ and a kiss ______ won't you say ________________.
c. Brown bear, brown bear, _________________.
d. A told B and B told C, I'll _________________.
e. I'll love you ___________, I'll like you ________________, forever and __________ my ______ you'll _______.


6) Vocabulary. Define each word or phrase:

object permanence
tracking
tummy time
Irish twins
Soothies
BPA free
5-point harness system
Plastibell method
Sleep positioner
nursing strike
sleepy cues
Ferber method
pincer grasp
separation anxiety
tongue thrust reflex
cruising
parallel play
sensory integration issues

Bonus: diastasis recti

7) Write the words represented by each abbreviation:

AP
AAP
CIO
PPD
BF
PK
LMP
UTI
BFP / BFN
MDO
VBAC
RAD
RSV
MMR
NICU
DHA
RBSTs
PTA
PMS
LLL
PCOS
EDD
FMLA
VBS
IVF
SAHM

8) Essay portion: Describe every method you have ever tried to achieve continuous nighttime infant sleep. Raise your hand and ask your proctor if extra paper is required.

9) List a minimum of 12 uses for baby wipes.

10) Oral exam:
Recite Ephesians 6:1.


Mathematics portion
Please show your work.

1) Grayson is two years old. Grayson was up until 10pm and woke up at 5am. Determine the cranky factor for Grayson.

2) Find the cranky factor for Grayson's mother. Be sure to factor into the equation perimenopause. Calculators allowed for this question.

4) Gracen weighs 42 pounds. If Gracen's mother is lying on the floor and Gracen jumps from the couch to her stomach, estimate the pain level. Bonus: Determine the decibels of Gracen's mother's scream.

5) Which of the following represents the greatest value?
a. A weekly massage for a year
b. An annual weeklong retreat to a beach in the Caribbean
c. Babysitting for one weekend once every quarter
d. A daily 20 minute nap

6) Charming Charlies has approximately 434, 546 unique pieces of jewelry. GraceAnn, a five year old female child, is taken to Charming Charlies and told she may choose one item. The item must not be too expensive or too mature.
a. How many items will be rejected based on those two variables?
b. How many hours will this process take? Show your work.

7) a. A hypothetical woman is pregnant and gains 32 pounds. She loses 28 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 30 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 34 pounds. She loses 26 pounds. She becomes pregnant again and gains 32 pounds. She loses 25 pounds. Determine the average of this hypothetical woman's disappointment with the volume of her postpartum body.
b. Is hypothetical woman considered angular or rotund? Support your answer.

8) A family with several children is driving a car from Houston to Dallas. They leave Houston at 5:45pm traveling at an average rate of 55 miles per hour. They stop the car three times averaging 12 minutes each time. The family arrives in Dallas at 10:30pm.

At what time did the children fall asleep in the car?
a. 10:28pm
b. 10:27pm
c. 10:26pm
d. 10:23pm

9) Graesonne is three years old. If Graesonne is disciplined by his parents every time he shouts NO at his parents, how many times will Graesonne be disciplined before he finally ceases shouting NO?

10) Add together the weight of a six month old child, the weight of an infant carseat, and the weight of a diaper bag packed by a first time mother. Based on this figure, determine the degree of back pain for said mother.

11) Probability: Two year old Graesin's mother is already 15 minutes late to her destination. Calculate the probability that Graesin will refuse to sit in his carseat.

12) If a 64 ounce bottle of apple juice is knocked off a kitchen counter, based on the initial velocity of the liquid, estimate the magnitude of impulse delivered to the floor, cabinets, and ceiling.

BONUS:
13) Estimation: Missy, a pregnant woman, is in the third stage of labor. An epidural is being auctioned off by three anesthesiologists in increments of $500. What is the maximum estimated expense that Missy would be willing to incur to receive one?

Pencils down. Time's up.
Please wait for the proctor to retrieve your tests.

How it happens

NO you cannot watch Caillou. No. I said it's bedtime. No! No Tom and Jerry! Get your clothes off. Now. I! Said! No! You can just quit crying. Oh puh-lease, stop crying. Hush. Oh baby, stop...come here. Baby, don't cry. It's bedtime. You're a tired boy. Oh yes you are. Shhhhh, shhhh. Mommy loves you. Yes you are tired. Get your clothes off. Did you brush your teeth? You did! Good boy, you are such a big boy, such a good baby boy. Shhhhh. Here, Mommy help? Mommy help. Get your bottoms on. Now your top. Sugar boo. No, I said no TV! It's past your bedtime! Shhhhhhhh, shhhhhh. Can you do your pants by yourself? Big boy! You're so cute. Your eyes look so blue. Pretty blue eyed boy. Oh, you give Momma the best hugs! No! Sigh. Okay, 10 minutes of Bugs Bunny. No, just ten minutes. And then when it's over, it's over. Night night time. No books. Okay one book. I mean it. You're lucky you're so cute. And I'm so tired. And even though I told you no I am so tired and you are so cute and I'm so tired and Daddy's not here and I really wish you would be quiet and you are my fourth baby so I know you will not be this cute and little for very much longer so even though your wife will blame me for all your faults I would do just about anything in the world right now if you would just be quiet and yes, I'll snuggle with you for just fifteen minutes, I mean it! Sit in my lap...only fifteen minutes, oh you smell so good shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhh, you're tired. Mommy's tired. Sweet bear. Shhhhh. Just fifteen minutes. My precious little boy. Momma loves you so. Shhhhhhhhhhh

 

Links, a quote, a youtube, and some movies to make you need Xanax

The Created for Care Conference, a retreat just for adoptive mommies, is coming up in January, and you should come because I will be there and we need to hang out! (unless by some remote snowball's chance I'm in Ethiopia)

Even the words that are left unsaid
Oh, I loved this post. Even though it convicted the heck out of me.

Cutest baby announcement ever.

The expected value of each human being is positive
"Soccer player David Beckham and his wife Victoria (formerly a performer) are being derided in the British press as "bad role models." No, they're not publicly carrying on affairs, fighting in public, or abandoning their children. Their sin: having four children." What kinda crazy people have four kids? Man, don't they know where babies come from??

Nella Cordelia Birth Story
One of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

Motherhood is a calling (and where your children rank)
I need to reminded of this, um, pretty much daily. Make that hourly.

Modesty helps foster friendships in women
Let me just go ahead and take this opportunity to say: when you wear strapless dresses to church, to everyone in the pew behind you, you look naked. And to everyone in the church with XY chromosomes, you looking naked may make it a little hard for them to concentrate on Jesus. And being that my husband falls in that category, dear sister in Christ, PLEASE WEAR A SWEATER.
That is all.

Quote for the week:
“The prevailing factor that influences conflict is poverty. Poor countries are more likely to be in conflict than wealthier countries. Countries of per capita incomes below $2,000 have been in conflict, on average, one year out of five since 1980. Above $4,000 a year, it is one year in thirty‐three.” Joseph Siegle

Okay usually I have podcasts for you, but because I am recovering from having my guts ripped open and have been confined to the Orange Reclining Throne with nothing but a remote control as a weapon, I have been a documentary watching fool. Here are some I recommend:

Beyond Belief: about two 9/11 widows who started an organization to help widows in Afghanistan. Beautiful.

The Flute Player a boy survives the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and goes back to revive cultural music.

Mama Heidi about Heidi Baker, a missionary who saves orphans off the streets of Mozambique. I want to be her when I grow up. Watched this with Eva Rose. Just one.

A Family Undertaking: Y'all, I am SO CONVINCED about the beauty of home funerals.  LOVED this documentary and am legally drunk on the Kool-Aid. Really, I'm serious. I've always hated funeral homes, and now I know why. I don't think it's right for such an intensely personal event to be handled by complete strangers in an unknown building with ugly carpet.  Call me crazy, but when I die, y'all gonna just lay me out on my dining room table.

Without the King: about Swaziland, the last absolute monarchy in the world. And the highest rate of AIDS in the world. Yeah, there's a correlation. Very well done.

Unforgotten:: Twenty Five Years After Willowbrook: about the horrific conditions at a institute for the mentally disabled in New York during the 60s and 70s. So depressing. And so reminded me that in many (most?) other countries, this is still the norm.

I know. I'm Dr. Feelgood, eh?

This one is better, I promise.


The Power of Forgiveness: the Karla Faye Tucker Story: I've loved Karla Faye for a long time. She was convicted of killing two people before she was the first woman executed in Texas in over a hundred years. Stick with me. In prison she found Christ, and this very low budget documentary had me in tears the whole time - good, uplifting, "Only God" tears. If you have older children who can handle, you know, talking about death by pickax (ie: older than mine) this would be a great movie to watch as a family.

I just realized I said "stick with me" when referring to a pickax killer.
Lord have mercy on my own soul.

Seven down, only 146 in my queue to go.

Youtube for the week, this'll cheer you up, I pinky promise:



See?

Have a good weekend!

As I sit in air conditioned comfort eating an organic salad while my children watch cartoons on Netflix

Many of you may not be aware because it has gotten little press over here, but Ethiopia, Somalia and Kenya are currently experiencing the worst drought and famine in decades - yes, even worse than Feed-the-world-let-them-know-it's-Christmas-time time.

A couple of weeks ago I read this article, and the images have haunted my motherheart ever since:


There are harrowing stories of people who have made the journey to Dadaab [a refugee camp in northern Kenya]. Some are raped and robbed along the way, others are chased by hyenas. One woman had six children, all of them too frail to walk. She was determined to get them to the camp, so she carried them two at a time, shuttling back and forth for the others she had left behind.

 
Another couple walked for 22 days with their sick baby daughter – no sooner had they arrived at the camp than the child died.

Africa is complicated. Foreign aid is complicated. But if I were feeding my children mud I wouldn't give a care about political theories. 

Several adoptive families have banded together to help. Please visit their website and please donate to one of the organizations they have links to.

Adoptive Families for Famine Relief

Note: You are welcome and encouraged to copy this post in its entirety on your blog. 

The old hag checks in

When I do dare to venture off the orange recliner that has become my throne, I walk an Old Hag Walk like this well known celebrity

except that I could never attempt to do something so athletic as carry an apple at the same time so she's one up on me there.

Surgery is not for sissies. This I have learned.

Y'all have been so sweet to enquire if I am still alive and indeed I am. I am ridiculously uncomfortable and a downright invalid and so sick of watching TV that I've actually considered doing something crazy like reading a book, but I am alive.

I finally hobbled over the the computer today to pay bills and other exciting things, and as a result my poor back is screaming at me so back to my throne I go where softly and tenderly

Vicodin is calling.

The Doctor will see you now

Tomorrow at 6:15am (yikes) I will check into a surgery center where they will slice me open and sew my abs back together, in an attempt to allow me to do fun things like stand for more than 45 seconds. Or walk without looking like I should be delivering packages due to my snazzy back brace. Or go places without carrying my even snazzier little red pillow with the teddy bear under the Christmas tree embroidered on the front.

If only I were a trendsetter, and those things had caught on, I wouldn't have to do this.
Maybe if I had bedazzled the back brace?

Not allowed to consume after midnight, I'm eating my last meal of edamame which I was hoping would have survived the Great Defrost of 2011 but sadly did not and tastes like food from Maggie's play kitchen. Blech.

All week I have had this urgent sense that Armageddon is nigh and have been doing crazy things like clean the garage and organize the approximately 2,408 Legos and 2,232 little army men and 1,868 tiny plastic Risk figurines in Shep's room. I  tell you what, I have never before been so industrious without a dilated cervix and an induction date on the calendar in my whole life.

But when I do lie down at night, I've been entertaining myself with thoughts of all the horrible things that can go wrong in the surgery. I've never been under full-on anesthesia before - just that twilight business where you feel asleep but people tell you embarrassing things you said later. This, however, is the big time. This is hard core. And real anesthesia can lead to real problems, like coma, death, and...well, that's it. Coma. Death. Death. Coma. Coma. Death.

Dear Lord, I've prayed. Please keep me safe, give the doctor wisdom, and don't give me an anesthesiologist with a cocaine addiction. 

(I actually used to work with a woman whose husband lost his medical license for operating on people when he was totally on coke. I didn't just pull it out of the air. So adjust your neurotic scale accordingly.)

(Man, this second batch of edamame tastes just as nasty and I just bought it today at Costco! I feel like a prisoner on death row whose last meal was burned. I only have 29 minutes to cut off, people!!)

This morning after playing out an elaborate scenario of a tall, handsome man in scrubs snorting up in the hallway before he shakes my hand as I lie vulnerable on an operating table while the nurses exchange nervous glances, Eva Rose crept up to me with a very concerned look on her face. "Mommy, I'm so scared."

"Why? What's wrong baby?"

"I'm scared Osama bin Ladin isn't really dead! And he's coming back for us!"

So we've moved on from tornadoes, last week's Irrational Fear of the Week.
(So the neurotic nut doesn't fall very far from the neurotic tree.)

I pull her onto my lap. "He's dead sister, I promise. He's not coming back."

"But how do you knoooooooow? I just can't stop being scared." She buries her face in my shoulder.

"Well, what does the bible tell us about being scared?"

She shrugs.

"God says, "Do not fear, for I am with you, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. God's got you in his hand! Jesus said, I am with you always and always! So how can you be scared when Jesus is right with you!"

She smiled. "Whenever I think about the bible I just feel better, right away."

"Me too." I kissed her, and she slid off my lap.
I watched her prance off, the weight of the world now off her shoulders.

And then it hit me.
"MAN God!" I prayed. "You're so SNEAKY!! Sheesh!! Alright already!!"

Indeed,
Osama bin Ladin is (very likely) dead.
Tornadoes (almost) never come to Houston.
My anesthesiologist (probably) does not have a cocaine addiction.
And God (definitely) upholds me with his righteous right hand.

And I only have nine more minutes to find something good to eat.

And now for a PSA

My mom emailed me this with a very frantic plea about protecting her grandbabies and then called me twice to make sure I had read it.

She was never that over-protective of me. I swear she loves them more. 

But then I am the daughter who once cut an article on Wanda Holloway out of the Houston Chronicle and left it on the kitchen counter with a note that said, Sometimes I just don't think you love me as much as other moms do.

But paranoid GG aside, it's important info, so I am passing it along...but I also want to remind you that according to John Stossel, your child has a much, much greater chance of being struck by lightning than being kidnapped by a stranger. And then, you'd have to say something really, really heretical. 

But it won't hurt to follow their advice anyway. You know. Just in case.