Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Juice Fast Day 1 - Big Pooping Slugs

Please hold me, I am about to do something absolutely ridiculous.
I'm gonna tell you my weight. On the internet. The freaking internet. I'm putting my freaking weight on the freaking internet. Hold me.

Weigh in: 

Missy Day 1: 144 (exhale.)
Walker Day 1: 230. (that caused me zero pain, for the record.)

I need to lose fifteen pounds. I am short but dense (keep your comments to yourself please.) My wedding weight, when I was in the best shape ever, was 126. For giggles and snorts, let's just revisit that golden era:

Let's raise our drinks to Skinny Missy! Long live Skinny Missy!
Three weeks later I was with child and so long, Skinny Missy. I believe that 126 is a long ago dream but 130 seems completely reasonable.

Since Ike was born I've dieted, I've bought 10 pairs of Spanx, I've hired a trainer, I've spent a lot of time googling about the hcg diet - none of it has caused me to lose weight. I'm convinced it's a hormone/turning 40 thing. Or maybe caused by the "low-fat" processed junk I was eating.

So, yeah, so, whatever Fatso.

On to Day 1:

So, yesterday we were bottoms up with a "Hawaiian Sunrise" that we got from this blog.

It had oranges, grapefruit, and pineapple. Walker was like, this is awesome! I was like, meh.

I don't have a sweet tooth. He does. This shall be a recurring theme.

And, we felt fine, full-ish. For about two hours.

Then for lunch I made a "Southern Garden" from the same blog with collards, Romaine, carrots, eggplant, red peppers, celery, tomatoes and Tabasco. Now, this one I loved, because I am a big V8 fan. Walker whined a little. See the theme?

Okay, so the juicer:

The juicer is a Kuvings Centrifugal Juicer from Costco. It was a good price ($129), got good reviews on Amazon, and I love buying things from Costco because they have a lifetime guarantee, which I have abused partaken of mercilessly.

So far, I am happy with it. The only issue is the yield - like, that recipe above said 26 ounces, and I doubled it, and there is no way that I got 52 ounces worth of juice. But I have nothing to compare it to - ?

Anyway, it was a very good thing that we started this on a holiday because all day long we were, as Walker so poetically put it, "big pooping slugs." Very lethargic and lazy and took turns letting the other one nap. And pooping. Because you can't talk about juicing without talking about pooping, it's a law.

Juicing makes you poop. A lot.
I consider this a good thing, because, well, I like to poop.
Moving on.

By 2pm, I would have sold my firstborn (sorry Shep) for a cracker. Not even a Club. Just a saltine. Just carbs, any carbs, any carbs would do.

In between naps, I hauled myself to the nail salon to wax my scary brows and get the girls a manicure. Maggie girl has an oral fixation - and she gets it from me. Hello, I'm Missy, and I'm a chewer. Nothing pliable is safe around me. But Mags was not only chewing on her fingernails but her TOES. She'd sit on the couch and stick her toes - her dirty, playing in the mud, walking barefoot in WalMart (AS IF. You didn't believe that did you??) nasty little toes in her mouth and gnaw away. It was time for an intervention.

Beth told me that she had kicked the habit with one of her boys with the help of pediatric methadone called Thum. Maggie checked herself in to a 30 day outpatient program and got that monkey off her back and chose the purplest nail polish they had to celebrate.

After the 20 minutes of beauty we went to Food Town, right by my salon/torture chamber. In my neck of the burbs, we have a old and lovely HEB, a newer and amazinger HEB, and a perfectly respectable Kroger, which where I usually shop because the lovely amazingness of HEB comes at a lovely amazing price and there are a lot of lovely amazing open mouths in this casa. 

And then, occasionally, I pack some heat and hand sanitizer I go to Food Town. (Just kidding. About the heat. Not the hand sanitizer.)  I call it Ghetto Grocery. Cause it's not like the cleanest, fanciest place and there isn't one organic item in the whole store. But sister, it's cheap. And when you're going through a small garden of veggies in a day, cheap is a lovely amazing word. The cucumbers I was paying .69 for at Kroger were 4 for $1 at Food Town. Slum me down.

(Later I'll tell you what I buy organic and what I don't.)

Brought that home, gasped to Walker about how much cheaper it is to shop in the ghetto (he is so interested in grocery comparison shopping. I can tell by the mumbling and nodding) and then around 5pm, the headache happened.

I'd been warned by every website that when you begin juicing, your body detoxes and one of the side effects is a headache. Whether I got it from the detoxing or from the caffeine wd's I'm not sure. (Walker and I were really brilliant and forgot to taper off our caffeine last week.) It wasn't a horrific headache, but it was there. Constantly. Heeeeey girl! Not letting me forget it.

For dinner I made another juice which we'll call the Green Dream: kiwi, Granny Smith apples, cucumber, parsley, spinach, and ginger. We both loved this one. Ginger seems to be the secret ingredient. Makes it soooo refreshing.

Then I went to meet some girls out at a restaurant called Truluck's. Just to torture myself.

Trulucks was a good place to go because I am not a huge fan of seafood, cooked or otherwise, and by the grace of God the girls didn't get any nice soft piping hot bread dripping with real butter served in a pretty basket with a napkin wrapped around it to preserve it's perfect doughy temperature...

I ordered tons of water with lemon, green tea, and a salad with no dressing and then...then...I cheated. Just a little.

I had the rest of Amber's salad, with dressing, and the rest of Jill Ann's winter vegetables which were mostly sauteed mushrooms and ohmygosh they were good.

But really it was only like, 3 bites. I still felt like I was cheating on my husband.

Then I came home and confessed. He didn't even seem to care. Hmph.

What I Learned Today:
  1.  I need to drink more water. It is so easy to forget to drink water when you're juicing. But when I drank it, I had so much more energy and the headache was got better.
  2. Juicing makes me pee like nobody else. I could bring home the gold in the Peeolympics. Even without drinking enough water.
  3. Truluck's winter vegetables are reeeeeeaaaaallllly good.


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