I always get "are they sisters?" and "omg....that one looks just like Dora!". The only comment that ever bothered me was one lady who said, "they're cute NOW, but they're going to grow up to be short, fat, and ugly". Don't worry, y'all. Me and Jesus have talked about her. He's got this.
These examples are spot on. What really upsets me is when they say these things in front of my child. Be ignorant, if you so desire, but hurt my child and you will meet Mama Bear!
So I'm not allowed to say complimentary things like "She's so cute! I love her hair!"? Remind me to stay far away from anyone who appears to have adopted children. Y'all are ridiculously over sensitive to NORMAL CONVERSATION.
I have to say I agree SOMEWHAT to anon. I have been truly complimentary to kids, only to have their parents reply with "she's adopted." or "of course she doesn't look like me, she's adopted." So I just don't say anything if I even remotely suspect that a child might be adopted. Now for a different race child, I just don't say anything because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I most certainly don't want to hurt a child's feelings at all. Yet, I come off as a *itc# because I don't acknowledge their child. Can't win. Small suggestion, rather than show a satire of what NOT to say/do, what about learning us on what TO say?
Polly you are in luck. I have been working all day on a blog post about how to phrase your questions so that they don't offend. I think I'm gonna run it on Monday.
Anon- I had no idea it was NORMAL CONVERSATION to ask how much a kid cost. From now on, I'm going to ask every mother "oh, how much did your delivery cost? Did you get a discount on your epidural since it didn't work right? How much did you have to pay for your IVF?"
I have to agree with ANON and Polly just a little bit too. No one is perfect, and I have said the "wrong" thing sometimes, or made wrong assumptions about adoptive families, and I HAVE an internationally adopted child myself!
Even in those rare cases when I get weird comments, I usually understand that the person means completely well and is just curious and/or wanting to be encouraging to us. In fact the "worst" things I have heard (about costs to adopt "real" families, etc.) have been from my own kids! Luckily we have ample time and motivation to explain/educate in that situation.....
For me, it comes down to this: I am a grown up and not offended by much. I know ignorance and foot-in-the-mouth syndrome when I see it, and I realize it's that person's problem, not mine. I get asked stupid things all the time, about a variety of subjects.
But my child(ren) are KIDS. They don't realize that when adults say things that de-value them or make them feel "less than" or "other" that the issue is with the ADULT and not them. So people need to learn that their words are hurting my kids (both bio and adopted) and stop saying things like that in front of the kids!
Most questions/curiosity can be asked privately, and I can gently correct someone to use less offensive language or let them know we don't share certain things. But in front of my kids? No, not okay. I wouldn't ask about your sex life in front of your kids, even if you were obviously pregnant and obviously had a sex life... why would someone ask about something as equally private in front of my kids?
To clarify: The title of the video is "Stuff People Say" not "Stuff People Say That Ticks Us Off". They aren't saying all these things are rude, or offensive. They just say that they hear them over and over and over.
I don't think anyone gets offended by being told how cute their kids are, I never did with my bio curly haired babies and I won't with Bethie either.
But some of the questions are completely inappropriate.
Cute video! Really, though, you shouldn't hold people's thoughtless comments against them. Sometimes people just don't think. I have twin brothers who are 100%, COMPLETELY identical and people ask them all the time if they are brothers! =/
I also have an aunt who was adopted from Congo and I truly did not know that she was 'different' from everyone else in our family until we were in elementary school. As teenagers, I thought people were more surprised to hear that she was my aunt because she's only two years older than I am, not because of her skin color.
And really, Biblically speaking, there is only one race-- human.
We have 2 perfect adopted sons. One is white and the other is Hispanic. One day at the pool this lady I didn't know kept making small talk with me and commented several times that my boys don't look a thing alike. This went on and on...I finally told her."Of course they look differently. They have different dads. This little cutie is my Latino Love Child! Don't tell anyone. Do you think my husband has figured it out? She looked shocked and quickly swam away!
I confess, I am adopted and when I could hear people going down a tangent of no return, I would just let them dig deeper and deeper. Then I'd finally say, "I'm adopted." And I'd just watch them squirm.
My coworkers went on and on to my MIL at our wedding shower about how much my husband favors her and how he must have gotten his sense of humor from his dad. At work soon after that they were telling me how nice they thought his parents were and described that conversation with his mom, saying she was smiling and nodding all along. When I finally stopped laughing I explained to them that he was adopted and she has had a nose job. The looks on their faces were priceless.
"Can we get a reservation please? What?? No! The name is Jolie Pitt..." HA! One of my favorites was when I told a friend what my brother's name is. Russians don't have middle names the way that we do--they have patronomics. My parents converted my sibs' patronomics to their middle names, so my brother's middle name is Mikhailovich*. My friend said, "That's going to look SWEET on a hockey jersey!!!"
Yeah. Because all the other guys put their middle names on their jerseys too...
I also enjoyed all the "teen mom" dirty looks that I got when I was out with them. I held my brother's hand as we crossed a parking lot at the county health services building one day with my mom (I needed a vaccine for a mission trip or something) and I got THE dirtiest look I've ever received in my entire life. Just because I was 17, holding my 3-years-old brother's hand, at the county health services building. Teen moms of the world--I don't know why you had a baby at a young age, and frankly--it's none of my business, but I say you deserve a big "Rock on!" from the world for bringing your baby into this world and doing your best for them once they're here. Not even gonna Jesus juke you.
*Not actually his middle name, but it gets the point across.
I agree that a lot of the comments in the video are rude.
However the one that got me was the comments about the hair - that's something I would comment on! I comment on my friends' childrens amazing hair (not adopted) so I would comment on the hair anyway - not because your child may be adopted or a different colour. Not everyone who comments is doing so because the child looks obviously different from the mother/father!
It's not so much the comment that the hair is cute... it's touching the hair. It's really rude to touch someone in such an intimate way without permission. I have never, EVER had someone touch my white kids' hair like that, but they try to touch my black daughter's hair ALL. THE. TIME.
Grace I admit I have to hold my hand back to not touch black kids' hair. I don't know why. It's like a primal urge. I am the same with pregnant bellies too. I know, I know, how are we even friends?????
But you know what, Maggie has this friend named Ashely who was just over today. And I have to touch Ashley's hair every time I see her, and Ashley is white. It's just that her hair is so curly and fluffy and soft, MUST. TOUCH. I am like that with anything soft and fluffy. Or bumpy. Or fuzzy. Or that would make a cool noise if I scratched it with my fingernail.
Walker is always saying "We have the most tactile children in the world!!" gee, I wonder where they get it.
When baby boys have that baby duck hair that stands straight up (Ike had it)? Must touch that too. If your little boy gets a crew cut, Imma need to run my hand over it.
It's not a black thing. It's a very-tactile-other-person thing.
Missy, first, it's super funny at the moment that just below it says, "Comments are my love language." Second, I think that people are big blabby mouths. When people feel a situation just really deserves a recognition, but they don't know what exactly to say, they usually just come up with the worst thing. It is one of the hardest things for people to keep our mouths shut and even harder to come up with something graceful to say. I try to keep my "mom translator" on and when they would say something like, "That baby is HUGE!" I'd think "Poor person. What you meant to say was what an incredible healthy looking child you have. You just haven't been taught to formulate thoughts into complementing words." When people say any of the above just know what they really mean is, "Wow. You just blew my world open with your incredible lives. I am completely speechless."
Hilarious. Just so you know, your kids don't have to be adopted for people to say stupid stuff... I just had my third, and got lots of "you know what causes that, right?" or since my other two are 11 and 6... "you had a little 'oops,' didn't you!" Not to even MENTION the horrible comments about me while pregnant... "are you sure you don't have twins in there?"
People are just dumb, no matter where you get your kids I guess. :)
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOh too funny!
ReplyDeleteLOVE
ReplyDeleteI always get "are they sisters?" and "omg....that one looks just like Dora!". The only comment that ever bothered me was one lady who said, "they're cute NOW, but they're going to grow up to be short, fat, and ugly". Don't worry, y'all. Me and Jesus have talked about her. He's got this.
ReplyDeleteOh, just wow.
DeleteLOL. That's great. Love it. :D
ReplyDeleteNiiiice.
ReplyDeleteSo funny, and too true!!! Although no one has ever really compared us to Brangelina . . . (should I be offended?) :o)
ReplyDeleteNancy
Me neither. I guess it's our lips?
DeleteThese examples are spot on. What really upsets me is when they say these things in front of my child. Be ignorant, if you so desire, but hurt my child and you will meet Mama Bear!
ReplyDeleteSo I'm not allowed to say complimentary things like "She's so cute! I love her hair!"? Remind me to stay far away from anyone who appears to have adopted children. Y'all are ridiculously over sensitive to NORMAL CONVERSATION.
ReplyDeletelol - yeah, with your attitude, you probably should just stay away.
DeleteI have to say I agree SOMEWHAT to anon.
DeleteI have been truly complimentary to kids, only to have their parents reply with "she's adopted." or "of course she doesn't look like me, she's adopted."
So I just don't say anything if I even remotely suspect that a child might be adopted.
Now for a different race child, I just don't say anything because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I most certainly don't want to hurt a child's feelings at all. Yet, I come off as a *itc# because I don't acknowledge their child. Can't win.
Small suggestion, rather than show a satire of what NOT to say/do, what about learning us on what TO say?
Polly you are in luck. I have been working all day on a blog post about how to phrase your questions so that they don't offend. I think I'm gonna run it on Monday.
DeleteAnon- I had no idea it was NORMAL CONVERSATION to ask how much a kid cost. From now on, I'm going to ask every mother "oh, how much did your delivery cost? Did you get a discount on your epidural since it didn't work right? How much did you have to pay for your IVF?"
DeleteYou know, since that's just NORMAL CONVERSATION.
Thanks Missy!
DeleteI have to agree with ANON and Polly just a little bit too. No one is perfect, and I have said the "wrong" thing sometimes, or made wrong assumptions about adoptive families, and I HAVE an internationally adopted child myself!
DeleteEven in those rare cases when I get weird comments, I usually understand that the person means completely well and is just curious and/or wanting to be encouraging to us. In fact the "worst" things I have heard (about costs to adopt "real" families, etc.) have been from my own kids! Luckily we have ample time and motivation to explain/educate in that situation.....
For me, it comes down to this: I am a grown up and not offended by much. I know ignorance and foot-in-the-mouth syndrome when I see it, and I realize it's that person's problem, not mine. I get asked stupid things all the time, about a variety of subjects.
DeleteBut my child(ren) are KIDS. They don't realize that when adults say things that de-value them or make them feel "less than" or "other" that the issue is with the ADULT and not them. So people need to learn that their words are hurting my kids (both bio and adopted) and stop saying things like that in front of the kids!
Most questions/curiosity can be asked privately, and I can gently correct someone to use less offensive language or let them know we don't share certain things. But in front of my kids? No, not okay. I wouldn't ask about your sex life in front of your kids, even if you were obviously pregnant and obviously had a sex life... why would someone ask about something as equally private in front of my kids?
To clarify: The title of the video is "Stuff People Say" not "Stuff People Say That Ticks Us Off". They aren't saying all these things are rude, or offensive. They just say that they hear them over and over and over.
DeleteI don't think anyone gets offended by being told how cute their kids are, I never did with my bio curly haired babies and I won't with Bethie either.
But some of the questions are completely inappropriate.
So Funny! And so true! thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! My favorite recent comment was "so, you have brown in your family?"
ReplyDeleteCute video! Really, though, you shouldn't hold people's thoughtless comments against them. Sometimes people just don't think. I have twin brothers who are 100%, COMPLETELY identical and people ask them all the time if they are brothers! =/
ReplyDeleteI also have an aunt who was adopted from Congo and I truly did not know that she was 'different' from everyone else in our family until we were in elementary school.
As teenagers, I thought people were more surprised to hear that she was my aunt because she's only two years older than I am, not because of her skin color.
And really, Biblically speaking, there is only one race-- human.
We have 2 perfect adopted sons. One is white and the other is Hispanic. One day at the pool this lady I didn't know kept making small talk with me and commented several times that my boys don't look a thing alike. This went on and on...I finally told her."Of course they look differently. They have different dads. This little cutie is my Latino Love Child! Don't tell anyone. Do you think my husband has figured it out? She looked shocked and quickly swam away!
ReplyDeletetee hee hee
DeleteI confess, I am adopted and when I could hear people going down a tangent of no return, I would just let them dig deeper and deeper. Then I'd finally say, "I'm adopted." And I'd just watch them squirm.
DeleteMy coworkers went on and on to my MIL at our wedding shower about how much my husband favors her and how he must have gotten his sense of humor from his dad. At work soon after that they were telling me how nice they thought his parents were and described that conversation with his mom, saying she was smiling and nodding all along. When I finally stopped laughing I explained to them that he was adopted and she has had a nose job. The looks on their faces were priceless.
Delete"Can we get a reservation please? What?? No! The name is Jolie Pitt..." HA! One of my favorites was when I told a friend what my brother's name is. Russians don't have middle names the way that we do--they have patronomics. My parents converted my sibs' patronomics to their middle names, so my brother's middle name is Mikhailovich*. My friend said, "That's going to look SWEET on a hockey jersey!!!"
ReplyDeleteYeah. Because all the other guys put their middle names on their jerseys too...
I also enjoyed all the "teen mom" dirty looks that I got when I was out with them. I held my brother's hand as we crossed a parking lot at the county health services building one day with my mom (I needed a vaccine for a mission trip or something) and I got THE dirtiest look I've ever received in my entire life. Just because I was 17, holding my 3-years-old brother's hand, at the county health services building. Teen moms of the world--I don't know why you had a baby at a young age, and frankly--it's none of my business, but I say you deserve a big "Rock on!" from the world for bringing your baby into this world and doing your best for them once they're here. Not even gonna Jesus juke you.
*Not actually his middle name, but it gets the point across.
I agree that a lot of the comments in the video are rude.
ReplyDeleteHowever the one that got me was the comments about the hair - that's something I would comment on! I comment on my friends' childrens amazing hair (not adopted) so I would comment on the hair anyway - not because your child may be adopted or a different colour. Not everyone who comments is doing so because the child looks obviously different from the mother/father!
It's not so much the comment that the hair is cute... it's touching the hair. It's really rude to touch someone in such an intimate way without permission. I have never, EVER had someone touch my white kids' hair like that, but they try to touch my black daughter's hair ALL. THE. TIME.
DeleteGrace I admit I have to hold my hand back to not touch black kids' hair. I don't know why. It's like a primal urge. I am the same with pregnant bellies too. I know, I know, how are we even friends?????
DeleteBut you know what, Maggie has this friend named Ashely who was just over today. And I have to touch Ashley's hair every time I see her, and Ashley is white. It's just that her hair is so curly and fluffy and soft, MUST. TOUCH. I am like that with anything soft and fluffy. Or bumpy. Or fuzzy. Or that would make a cool noise if I scratched it with my fingernail.
DeleteWalker is always saying "We have the most tactile children in the world!!" gee, I wonder where they get it.
When baby boys have that baby duck hair that stands straight up (Ike had it)? Must touch that too. If your little boy gets a crew cut, Imma need to run my hand over it.
DeleteIt's not a black thing. It's a very-tactile-other-person thing.
Missy, first, it's super funny at the moment that just below it says, "Comments are my love language." Second, I think that people are big blabby mouths. When people feel a situation just really deserves a recognition, but they don't know what exactly to say, they usually just come up with the worst thing. It is one of the hardest things for people to keep our mouths shut and even harder to come up with something graceful to say. I try to keep my "mom translator" on and when they would say something like, "That baby is HUGE!" I'd think "Poor person. What you meant to say was what an incredible healthy looking child you have. You just haven't been taught to formulate thoughts into complementing words." When people say any of the above just know what they really mean is, "Wow. You just blew my world open with your incredible lives. I am completely speechless."
ReplyDeleteHilarious. Just so you know, your kids don't have to be adopted for people to say stupid stuff... I just had my third, and got lots of "you know what causes that, right?" or since my other two are 11 and 6... "you had a little 'oops,' didn't you!" Not to even MENTION the horrible comments about me while pregnant... "are you sure you don't have twins in there?"
ReplyDeletePeople are just dumb, no matter where you get your kids I guess. :)
But I still think the adopted ones are lucky...
I had 4 in 3 years. Oh, the rude comments about that were never ending...
Delete