Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Playah's Day

I had big dreams of making those cute Valentine's cards myself, those ones where you take a picture of the kids holding out their hands and then you slice open said hands with an exacto knife and slide in an organic dye-free lollipop. I even bought organic dye-free lollipops at Trader Joe's (in Houston, because Austin is STILL TJ deprived). I put this on facebook along with my to-do list of 5000 other things I need to do before Saturday and my friends wisely counseled "BACK AWAY FROM THE HOMEMADE VALENTINES."

To emphasize the point, Sarah posted this on my wall:

So true. And I cared a lot more about focusing on posting whiny facebook status updates, obviously.

So Tuesday I asked my kids what kinds of Valentine's they wanted me to make them by hand on the Target Valentine aisle. Maggie said Barbie. Ike said puppy. Shep said whatever is boyish (very limited options.) Eva Rose said, "I don't care, whatever, just something cute" and I have never loved her more than I did in that moment. She got fashion girl valentines, which is completely appropriate because she has been Tim Gunn trapped in a little girl's body since, well, birth. When she was just 1 she would stand in her crib every morning smiling, "Mommy! Mommy! Shoes? Shoes?" 

For Shep, his choices were pretty much Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, or Phineas & Ferb. I got the Phineas & Ferb but when he opened the box, they were bugs. He handled it well. At least they weren't Barbie or fashion plate.

Plus he was a bit distracted channeling the late great Leonardo da Vinci.

Or Dumbledore. Or an evil gangsta Santa. Or a mixture of all three.

So, we're in third grade now, and homework is starting to get HARD. Shep had an Inventor Project. We He had to write a three paragraph report, and make a poster board with pictures of the invention, and do a timeline with ten events from the inventor's life, and dress up as the inventor and go to school and give a report in the first person.

{you, make an aghast face}


It was due on Monday. The Monday right after I was in Houston all week. The Monday before I leave for Africa. The Monday I called his teacher and profusely apologized using key words like "Mom fail". She said bring it Wednesday.

She was a gracer, y'all.

We He learned oh so many things about Leo. Like that he was almost as obsessed with weapons as Shep is. So he invented tons of war machines, including a tank, a machine gun, and a gigantic crossbow. And a helicopter and a parachute. Plus he, you know, painted some stuff.

And we answered really tough questions, like, "How could Leonardo's parents have him when they were never married?"

Over Thanksgiving, when were at Galveston, Walker took Shep on a long walk down the beach so they could Talk. When they returned, Shep said to me, sideways, not looking me in the eye, "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I'm joining the military and becoming a Special Ops Agent so that I never have to get married."

So when he asked me about Leonardo's scandalous beginnings, I answered, "Well, you know how Daddy told you about sex, right?"

"Mom! Don't say that word. I hate that word!"

And Mom thought, Ha. Soon that will be your favorite word evah. Outloud, "Well, you aren't supposed to be married before you, you know, do that word. That's what God tells us. It causes all kinds of problems. But some people do it when they aren't married. Especially back then, men who were married would still have lots of girlfriends. So, his mom was one of those girlfriends."

To which my baby, this baby

Blair Blanks Photography

replied, "You mean he was a play-ah."

And I ran screaming from the room and emailed Dumbledore/Evil Santa to ask them to cast a spell on my Sheppy to keep him young and grossed out by sex and play-ahs for as long as possible. They laughed at me. Because, well, just look.

I'm toast.

Yesterday he wanted to walk into school wearing the costume. He said to anyone who noticed him, which was approximately 800 children and 61 parents and teachers, "For your information, I am Leonardo da Vinci." In a terrible Italian accent. Which is how he gave his entire report to the class. Because his momma told him to do that because you are a Dollahon it is your duty therefore to ham it up because for the love of all monotonic nine-year-olds Dollahons are not boring. 

When he got home yesterday, still wearing his cape, he said his teacher said it was one of The Best Reports, and he actually had so much information to share. "This is the Lasta Supper. They tried to fix it and they kepta messing it uppa. Then, they cut a DOORA in my PAINTINGA!"  that he ran out of time.

Just like his momma's motto: it may be latea - but it will be wortha the waita.



  1. I love this post. Thanks for making me laugh. (Am now tempted put my two year old son in a box and refuse to let him grow up.)

  2. Oh, Lord help us . . . he is one handsome kid! And way to fight the power and scale back the Valentine's plan is the name of sanity!!!

  3. Oh Missy, you had me in stitches! Between the evil gangsta santa and the play-ah comment (which already killed me on FB), my kids want to know why I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I *love* his reaction to "the talk" with his dad. Ha! My 6-year-old is all fascinated by uncomfortable-to-me topics (not sex exactly, but "women's issues" and anatomy, etc.) I guess if she learns now when it's all still matter-of-fact, I'll be better off in the future...I hope...I pray! :-)

    I pray my girls say the same thing when we have "The Talk."
    Is it wrong that I bought Valentine's last year on clearance and kept them til this year? Have I ever told you that ARTSY is not the same as CRAFTSY, and although I love art, I feel a lot claustrophobic around crafts??
    Your boy is beautiful. As well as your girls.
    Many blessings on your trip!!!

  5. No other blog makes me laugh like yours does. I'm sad you don't live next door to me...I hope your trip is FAB! Go get that BABY!

  6. Ha! As a teacher (though of first graders, so no such involved projects) this made me just laugh. I wish I could have seen his report-ah. So happy you are going to get your little girl!

  7. I would have loved to have been in the audience for that report!!! What a character (actor)! The play-ah part totally cracked me up -- as the mom of an 11 year old boy all I can say is, they are interesting times and conversations, aren't they!??

  8. My son said exactly the same thing when I had The Talk with him: "Yuck! I'm *never* getting married!" He's autistic and did not want my husband to talk to him, so I had to do it. That was the most un-fun I've ever had o_O

  9. These random-ish posts are your wheelhouse. You rock.

  10. This is so fun and I have a third grader, too!

  11. You never fail to amuse! I have a fourth-grade girl; they just saw THE video on Wed (the one about girl stuff). She was so grossed out, she was still in a catatonic state on Valentine's. FYI - I've found the American Girl's "The Care and Keeping of You" book to be a great resource for talking with your girls. It covers hygiene & health and some things I'd forgotten about 30sumum years later.

    By the way, when you are writing a book? You have a ton of great stuff in these blogs...

  12. Missy, This post made me laugh out loud. I even read it to my husband. Yes, you ARE toast because Shep is one
    of the cutest boys I've ever seen! Our 33 year old had that same "look" -- still does in fact--and we were "toast"
    way back "in the day." Girls were practically parachuting into our back yard! The good news is that Shep will turn out
    just like our son--a wonderful husband and father---NOT a playah!

  13. I don't fear the "Talk" after hearing and reading about Mary Flo Ridley and her Simple Truths program. But I am kind of terrified of my 3 year old talking about play-ah's. And none of that scares me as much as school projects. But seriously, the Mary Flo Ridley plan rocks. It's all about talking to them about the birds and bees when they are little. LIke, before school, so they hear about it from you, before they hear about it from kids on the playground. She is super charming and southern, really gave me the confidence to start with small conversations early!



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