Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Playah's Day

I had big dreams of making those cute Valentine's cards myself, those ones where you take a picture of the kids holding out their hands and then you slice open said hands with an exacto knife and slide in an organic dye-free lollipop. I even bought organic dye-free lollipops at Trader Joe's (in Houston, because Austin is STILL TJ deprived). I put this on facebook along with my to-do list of 5000 other things I need to do before Saturday and my friends wisely counseled "BACK AWAY FROM THE HOMEMADE VALENTINES."

To emphasize the point, Sarah posted this on my wall:

So true. And I cared a lot more about focusing on posting whiny facebook status updates, obviously.

So Tuesday I asked my kids what kinds of Valentine's they wanted me to make them by hand on the Target Valentine aisle. Maggie said Barbie. Ike said puppy. Shep said whatever is boyish (very limited options.) Eva Rose said, "I don't care, whatever, just something cute" and I have never loved her more than I did in that moment. She got fashion girl valentines, which is completely appropriate because she has been Tim Gunn trapped in a little girl's body since, well, birth. When she was just 1 she would stand in her crib every morning smiling, "Mommy! Mommy! Shoes? Shoes?" 

For Shep, his choices were pretty much Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, or Phineas & Ferb. I got the Phineas & Ferb but when he opened the box, they were bugs. He handled it well. At least they weren't Barbie or fashion plate.

Plus he was a bit distracted channeling the late great Leonardo da Vinci.

Or Dumbledore. Or an evil gangsta Santa. Or a mixture of all three.

So, we're in third grade now, and homework is starting to get HARD. Shep had an Inventor Project. We He had to write a three paragraph report, and make a poster board with pictures of the invention, and do a timeline with ten events from the inventor's life, and dress up as the inventor and go to school and give a report in the first person.

{you, make an aghast face}


It was due on Monday. The Monday right after I was in Houston all week. The Monday before I leave for Africa. The Monday I called his teacher and profusely apologized using key words like "Mom fail". She said bring it Wednesday.

She was a gracer, y'all.

We He learned oh so many things about Leo. Like that he was almost as obsessed with weapons as Shep is. So he invented tons of war machines, including a tank, a machine gun, and a gigantic crossbow. And a helicopter and a parachute. Plus he, you know, painted some stuff.

And we answered really tough questions, like, "How could Leonardo's parents have him when they were never married?"

Over Thanksgiving, when were at Galveston, Walker took Shep on a long walk down the beach so they could Talk. When they returned, Shep said to me, sideways, not looking me in the eye, "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I'm joining the military and becoming a Special Ops Agent so that I never have to get married."

So when he asked me about Leonardo's scandalous beginnings, I answered, "Well, you know how Daddy told you about sex, right?"

"Mom! Don't say that word. I hate that word!"

And Mom thought, Ha. Soon that will be your favorite word evah. Outloud, "Well, you aren't supposed to be married before you, you know, do that word. That's what God tells us. It causes all kinds of problems. But some people do it when they aren't married. Especially back then, men who were married would still have lots of girlfriends. So, his mom was one of those girlfriends."

To which my baby, this baby

Blair Blanks Photography

replied, "You mean he was a play-ah."

And I ran screaming from the room and emailed Dumbledore/Evil Santa to ask them to cast a spell on my Sheppy to keep him young and grossed out by sex and play-ahs for as long as possible. They laughed at me. Because, well, just look.

I'm toast.

Yesterday he wanted to walk into school wearing the costume. He said to anyone who noticed him, which was approximately 800 children and 61 parents and teachers, "For your information, I am Leonardo da Vinci." In a terrible Italian accent. Which is how he gave his entire report to the class. Because his momma told him to do that because you are a Dollahon it is your duty therefore to ham it up because for the love of all monotonic nine-year-olds Dollahons are not boring. 

When he got home yesterday, still wearing his cape, he said his teacher said it was one of The Best Reports, and he actually had so much information to share. "This is the Lasta Supper. They tried to fix it and they kepta messing it uppa. Then, they cut a DOORA in my PAINTINGA!"  that he ran out of time.

Just like his momma's motto: it may be latea - but it will be wortha the waita.



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