Friday, August 16, 2013

Don't blame the mother

Scene from the side of the road, where a certain child was told to get out until she finished her temper tantrum.

Have you ever been in a store and seen a woman with children that were so incredibly loud, badly behaved and out of control you couldn't help but give her dual glances of pity and scorn?

That would be us, tonight at Lowe's.

It's all Walker's car's fault. His car that broke down on the side of the road while he was in Houston, where he's been since Monday. Well actually, it's the mechanic's fault, because he couldn't get fixed until today. So he couldn't come home.

And since he couldn't come home, I decided to paint my family room. Because Walker is not here. Because if he were here, he would be quick to remind me that it would be prudent to complete the other 42 projects still dangling incomplete before I tackled such a large one as painting our family room. But he's not here because his mechanic could not fix his car until tomorrow so my kids were deplorable in Lowe's.

Actually, it's the Lowe's paint guy's fault, for making me wait. Because I had to get paint on the way back from picking Shep up at drama camp. And what I thought would be a super quick errand turned into a it'll-be-twenty-minutes-are-you-freaking-kidding-me-no-there's-a-lot-of-people-ahead-of-you errand. With five kids. Five hungry, tired kids. Five hungry tired kids who by day three of being daddy-less always morph into irascible little anarchists. 

Including the newest, who seems to have gotten a memo lately saying, "Hey, kid, you're two. And so far you've been pretty sweet. You're making the rest of us look bad, so here's what we need you to do: you know that really annoying high pitched scream you do? The one that makes your mom cringe? Let it rip every time you hear the word No whilst simultaneously bursting into tears. PS - refuse to nap this week." Which one of y'all's kid sent it to her?

It's Lowe's fault too, for putting Doritos in the aisle right next to the books, where I had tried to placate my children for the long it'll-be-twenty-minutes-are-you-freaking-kidding-me-no-there's-a-lot-of-people-ahead-of-you wait. Doritos right at a two year old's eye level. A hungry, napless, high-pitched-screaming chip-loving two year old. Who happens to be sisters with a certain seven year old who is LOUD even when she her introverted self isn't exhausted and peopled out from two playdates in a row. Who happens to be sister to a little six year old boy who finds no greater joy than contriving ways to make both his big sister and his little sister scream as much as possible in the book/Dorito aisle at Lowe's. 

Ultimately, it is the Austin Independent School District's fault, because according to my facebook, it is one of the last school districts on God's green earth to start school, and if my children had been in school today, I could have gone to Lowe's all by myself, gotten my paint, and been on my way with nary a stare from a revolted stranger. 

So before you blame me for being the bad mother who can't control her high-pitched-screaming sick-of-summer sister-torturing children, just understand, it is truly not my fault. 


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