Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About How We Celebrate Christmas **

** but didn't care enough to ask

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? coffee with Peppermint Mocha Coffee Mate. I wait all year for my Peppermint Mocha to return, and when it does, I turn cartwheels in the Kroger dairy aisle. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but I do bust a little move. And when Christmas is past I stock up to keep the Christmas spirit alive till Valentine's. That chemicalled up Coffee Mate lasts a long long time past it's expiration - which is pretty scary, yet deliciously glorious.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa is a fat lazy man. Unwrapped. Santa is dreaming of wrapping presents this year, but Santa often has trouble getting beyond his fat lazy tendencies. The road to the North Pole is paved with good intentions, yada yada.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? white. But fat lazy Santa is also seriously considering not putting up lights outside this year. However, Fat Lazy Santa tends to say this every year, and then finds herself - yes, Fat Lazy Santa is a woman or at least has some severe gender identity issues - finds herself outside in the freezing cold the week before Christmas because s/he is overcome by guilt that his/her children will end up in therapy someday, deprived of outdoor Christmas lights. And then FLS leaves the lights up till Easter, because s/he waited so long to put them up, and, well, s/he's fat and lazy.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I have 2 children born approximately 9 months after Christmas. Ya think?

5. When do you put your decorations up? Girl, they UP. I did it early this year. Which took a little bit of the Lazy out of Fat Lazy.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Frieda's broccoli rice casserole and her cornbread dressing. Major contributor to aforementioned fatness and laziness.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? The outdoor Christmas lights. NOT! There, all my neuroses explained.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I learned that Santa is fat and lazy circa 2003.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Oh, I guess so, if you insist.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I take an ornament, a put a little hook on it, I hang it on the tree.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Dread it. The blizzards we get here in the Houston suburbs, oh dear. We have to tie a rope from the house to our bodies so we don't get lost going out to the barn to milk the cow.

12. Can you ice skate? Who can say?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I got a humongous Estee Lauder makeup kit when I was 12. HUGE. Every color of the rainbow of eye shadow. It was glorious. Tammy Faye had NOTHING on me that year. It is also what began my to-this-day love affair with Estee Lauder More Than Mascara.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Oh, I guess if I were really pressed, I would have to say THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? see #1

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Not putting up outside Christmas lights.

17. What tops your tree? Um. I should probably know the answer to this.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving. Receiving. Giving. Receiving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? All Christmas hymns make me cry. ALL OF THEM. Last July I played Joan Jett's Little Drummer Boy and boo hooed. JOAN JETT made me cry. In JULY. The road to menopause paved with tears. Thank goodness for Estee Lauder More Than Mascara.

20. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Very good currency for the preschool set. The road to obedience is paved with candy canes.

21 Favorite Christmas Show? Mr. Heat Miser. Although I am sure now that he was some kind of Satanic symbol. Come on, MR. HEAT MISER? Looked like a demon and sought equality with Mr. Snow Miser? Who boy, you could write your dissertation on the symbolic references there.

(Walker just commented that Adam Lambert looked just like Mr. Heat Miser at the AMAs. Which only further supports that theory, eh?)

22. Saddest Christmas Song? Mary Did You Know. And Joan Jett's Little Drummer Boy. And Rudolph, I always felt sorry for Rudolph. Even though supposedly all the reindeer loved him after that one foggy Christmas Eve, I always had a suspicion they were just kissing up until Fat Lazy Santa went back inside.

Feeling fat and lazy? Go ahead, copy this post and fill it out on your blog. See? I'm all about giving. And receiving. And giving. And receiving.


  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You have made me laugh so hard!! Very cute essay! And, please, do tell, why is it so bad to say that you like to 'receive' gifts too?? I always feel the CORRECT way to answer is GIVING, but it IS fun to receive, too!!

  2. LOVE the reference to Adam Lambert looking like the Heat Miser. I knew he looked like something close to the devil but couldn't put my finger on it.

  3. I love this! You are too funny for this early in the morning. I might do this tomorrow.

  4. Thank you so much. I totally needed this today. Feeling very bogged down. I may even steal it for my very neglected blog.

  5. I really needed that laugh. You must be in a great mood today. :) Don't get me started on Adam L. UGH!!!!

  6. Thanks for sharing! Maybe this will re-kick-start my Fat Lazy blogging habits.

    I'll let you know if it does; if only just the one time.

  7. why is "Mary, did you know?" a sad song for you? For me it's tied to so many promises and destiny. It shows what an Amazing heavenly Father we have and how well planned out He has things, even when we don't understand them. It makes me fall in love with the Trinity all over again. :) Just my thoughts.

  8. Because the thought of God in the form of a tiny baby, being loved by his mother, just makes me weep. I imagine her gazing at his face, and remember gazing at my newborns, and to think that "the child that you delivered will soon deliver you" - oh.

    At this point:

    "Did you know that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod? When you kiss your little Baby you kiss the face of God?"

    I lose it entirely.

  9. You make me laugh! Oh, and I am loving your new header. Cute, cute!!!

  10. I read here sometimes and had a good laugh at your answers today...I posted mine on my blog. It was fun....thanks for being a 'giver' : )

  11. Thanks for making me laugh and keeping me up past my bedtime. I couldn't help but answer the questions too! So fun!!!

  12. YAY! I posted!!

  13. I so want to copy you but I know I can't live up to you. This was really enjoyable!!

  14. This might be a cruel, cruel rumor, but I read somewhere lately that Coffeemate is keeping the Peppermint Mocha creamer ALL YEAR LONG. I guess we'll find out in January whether the dream is still alive or not. I love that stuff. My friend and I made crushed up peppermint and put it in Cool Whip to put on top. Yum!

    Merry Christmas!

  15. I copied you!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Privacy Policy