Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Herein is love

For years I prayed for this child. Years. When he was born, I could not be more thrilled, and overwhelmed. I'd stare at him sleeping and weep. I thought my heart would burst from how much I loved him. Scary love. Don't ever want to lose him love.

It didn't hurt that he was absolutely beautiful - strangers-stop-and-comment beautiful. Blond hair, blue eyes, perfect soft skin. Just chubby enough. Such a good baby, a funny baby, a smart baby. He did everything exactly on time - sat up, crawled, walked - as though he were reading the same baby books I was poring over. He was perfect.

Before I could blink he was a toddler into everything, and talking. Oh, he was so funny. He couldn't pronounce things the right way, and we would ask him to say certain words over and over and crack up when he did.

He was such an outgoing little boy. He would go up to any stranger and ask them questions and show him his treasures. He absolutely loved animals. Yet he loved his mommy and daddy the best, and showed us all the time with hugs and kisses and I love yous.

Even his terrible twos weren't that terrible. We often said, "He's just a great kid, that's all there is to it. He's a great kid."

He got bigger, and smarter, and funnier. Each day I loved him more than the day before.

I told him to get into the car, and to bring some snacks and books to look at because it would be a long drive. We were going somewhere special, I said. He loved having me all to himself so his face lit up. "Where we goin, Mom?" I loved how he called me Mom. Made him seem so old. "A secret. Someplace special. Just get ready." I faked a smile and raised my eyebrows and pretended to be excited.

We drove for hours. He read his books and asked me a million questions and made comments on everything he saw out the window. I didn't blow off his questions like I often would do, or ask him if we could play the quiet game. I listened and I answered and I told him stories about the day he was born, the day he rolled off the couch, the day he spilled the bottle of syrup all over the floor.

I told him so many times that I loved him, how glad I was that he was mine. How much I had wanted him, how long I had prayed for him, how blessed I felt to be his mother. By the fourth or fifth time he rolled his eyes and said, "I know Mom. You already told me that, Mom. About a million times, Mom!" I was glad he couldn't see my eyes from his seat in the back of the car.

Finally we were there. We were there. My heart dropped. I thought I might vomit but I forced myself not to.

I pulled the car over before the bridge. "Are we here?" he asked excitedly. "Yes baby, we're here." I kept my sunglasses on so he couldn't see my eyes. "Finally!!" He jumped out. "Where are we? What's that? A bridge? Whoa, it's tall! Can we go on it?"


"Aaaaawesome!!" He ran ahead.

I came up behind him, my heart pounding. "Mom, we're up so high! I've never been on a bridge before! Can I throw a rock down into the water? "

He threw the rock and watched it fall all the way down. It took forever to hit the river. He threw another, and another. I touched his hair, I rubbed his back. I put my nose into his hair and inhaled him, just like I used to, when he was brand new. I loved this child so much, my heart could burst.

"Hey, Momma. Can I sit on the rail?"

I bit my lip. "Yes baby."

"No way! Cool!" I helped him swing his legs over. He found a larger rock and tossed it in. I wrapped my arms tightly around his back, this back I loved, this back I had bathed, this back I had scratched to sleep. My tears came down. It was time.

I loosened my grip. I held him by his forearms. I let go of one. He turned and he looked at me, he looked in my eyes, and I gasped as I saw fear in the beautiful green eyes of this son I loved so much. "Mommy...?" Sobbing now, I loosened my grip on the other arm, still staring into his eyes. "I love you sweet boy. Oh, my God, I love you."

And then the angel said "STOP. Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him!!"


Nearly four thousand years ago, God asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son. But then the angel said stop.
It would not be sufficient offering.
Such a heartache would not be required of Abraham.

Nearly two thousand years ago, God sacrificed his beloved son.
That time, no one said stop.

In this the love of God was made manifest among us,
that God sent his only Son into the world,
so that we might live through him.
Herein is love,
not that we have loved God
but that he loved us
and sent his Son
to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:9-10


  1. We have been contemplating and reading about the Cross with our children this week...and having just finished Genesis with them...all of that is still fresh. Thank you for a beautiful post, Missy.

    Have a blessed Easter~

  2. I am in tears. I have never looked at things in that light. Thanks for giving me a great perspective of how much God loves us. It is hard to believe he loves us even more than that. God has definitley gifted you with writing. Thanks for allowing God to use your writing and your life to bless others.

  3. Wow. Just wow! Very touching. Thank you so much for sharing!

  4. Wow. That was very powerful. I thought of my son the whole time I was reading it & when I got to the end I almost couldn't finish. It's amazing how much God loves us.

  5. You truly have a gift with words Missy. Thank you for bringing that story home to us in a way we as mothers could truly relate to.

  6. I saw where this was going, but still my heart stuck in my throat. Such a haunting, but perfect, picture of the story of this week. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Weeping. Thank you, friend.

  8. Oh my gosh. Break my heart. It makes it so real to think of it with my own child. I honestly don't know if I could do that and though it breaks my heart, I am thankful that God and Jesus were able to do that for me!

  9. My sister & I were just talking about this exact thing the other day. Ya know, what if God asked us to do something like that. It made me cry to think of it. I love my daughter MORE.THAN.ANYTHING!

  10. what a blessing. Am sharing with my FB friends - this is beautiful :)

    Happy Easter, He is Risen!

  11. oh, that hurt me!!! Wow, you are a WRITER....I better just keep showin cute pics cause I could never write anything so well :) kj

  12. Thank you so much for this post, I needed this reminder.

    I've been following your blog for a little while, but don't think I've commented before. Thanks for being so honest and real!


    P.S. We're adopting from Ethiopia as well. My greatest weakness right now is reading too many adoption blogs ;)

  13. There's absolutely nothing I can add to this accept "thank you"...

    To you.

    To HIM.

  14. Wow. Amazing. Heart breaking for Abraham. Amazing love he had for HIM. Happy Resurrection Day!

  15. Chill bumps and tears.

    To translate a word like propitiation into something common to the human experience takes a gift of insight and understanding that few have. Thank you for using this gift for His glory.

  16. I couldnt breathe the whole time... goodness

  17. Wow. That was just incredible.

  18. It is absolutely scandalous- like the praise song- and like you said a "crazy love." Can't even begin to comprehend it...

  19. I have both tears and goosebumps reading this post. Thank you.

  20. Beautifully written. As a mama to a sweet baby girl, it definitely makes me stop and think. I think about things differently than I did 6 months ago...or last Easter...things are different when you become a mama.

  21. These words were beautiful. What a perfect picture. So sincere. It must have even been hard to put that scenario into words.

    Love you!

  22. You really made me feel how our King must have felt when He had to turn His back on His own Son for me. xo

  23. Wow...that was...wow

  24. Wow powerful. I have four children, two sons and two daughters. I don't know if I could make the sacrifice that Abraham started to make or the one that God finished. Thanks for the remminder of the depth of the sacrifice. As a lifelong Christian I know about it, but don't consider the how really deep and soul stirring Jesus' sacrifice really is.
    Thank you for the reminder.

  25. That was really hard to read, in a good way though. There is something about becoming a parent that helps bring a deeper understanding of His Story of love for us, the sacrifice that God made on our behalf. It's absolutely amazing.

  26. i have read this at least 5 times, and everytime, i weep. this really brings home the meaning of easter. i don't know that i'd be able to do it - give up my child. but i'm so glad He did!

  27. I will be thinking of this scenario over and over this weekend. Herein is LOVE. AMAZING!

  28. Yeah, so that was like a really weird post. Kind of cultish, and just kind of plain odd.

  29. What an amazing love our Father has for us. Thanks so much for sharing this.

  30. Mis...I don't think I could ever even contemplate doing that.

  31. I often wonder about Mary...did she quietly submit to God's plan or go down kicking and screaming as her son was crucified? I am so very grateful for my child and absolutely in awe of the obedience of others. Happy Easter!

  32. Oh. my. word. I LOVE this post. Thank you for putting it all in perspective...

  33. the most awesome post I have read today....

  34. How he loves us, Oh how He loves us. I cannot wrap my mind around how great the Father's love for us. Thank you for this. Happy Easter!

  35. Wow! What a wonderful post. Thank you for the new perspective. Just what we all need to hear.



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